When I was seven, my family left Liberia after our first two years of service. At the time, my parents had no intention of returning, so we didn’t leave anything in storage. All of our possessions that couldn’t fit into several suitcases had to be sold or given away.
I had a set of beautiful Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls. But I didn’t play with them much, so I reluctantly agreed with my mom that we could give them away to my friends Maria and Elisabeth. One day during our last week in Liberia, she sent me off to walk the half-mile to my friends’ house with the dolls in my arms, a knot in my stomach, and a lump in my throat.
I clearly remember that walk on the red dusty ELWA compound road, the ocean breeze whistling alongside me. I got about halfway there and my feet stopped moving. I burst into tears, turned around, and ran all the way back home.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to share, but I couldn’t bear to part with anything that held memories for me. As a child I carefully saved and filed schoolwork, notes from friends, programs from drama performances. Just about any physical item that ended up in my bedroom held emotional significance for me.
Living an overseas life as an adult got a lot of this tendency out of my system. When you live a life where every few years, you must pack up all of your possessions into 12 boxes, you learn to not get too attached to stuff. In fact, now I would say that I am what they call a minimalist–clutter and excess stuff drives me crazy. My children know that if you don’t put your stuff away where it belongs, Mom might just come along and throw it away. So be careful.
But still, there’s that part of me from my youth that attaches memories to objects. And now that I am preparing to move continents once again, I am feeling like that little seven-year-old who didn’t want to give away Raggedy Ann and Andy. Anything that doesn’t fit into a suitcase can’t come to America with us. And since we moved here first in 2001, we have a lot of things that we’ve owned for a very long time.
My children played on that rug as toddlers. Those throw pillows have been mended from the days when dozens of teenagers used them in pillow fights. Those dishes, as simple and plain as they are, have fed hundreds of beloved guests. That table–the one that bears the scars of baby Josiah’s spoon-banging–that table has seen our children raised.
The vultures are already circling around our stuff. I use the term “vulture” affectionately, because I’ve been one myself. I know how this works. When you visit a friend, and you like their furniture, just make a mental note of it. One day they’ll leave and you’ll want to be the first one to call dibs. Missionaries are great at recycling. And not just missionaries, of course. Back in September, I told a local friend we will be leaving in July. She wept. But the very next day, she told me the list of our furniture she wants to buy.
We’ve started selling stuff, but right now it’s just things we aren’t currently using. Everyone is waiting for “The Spreadsheet”–the one we will send out to all of our contacts in Tanzania with a list of everything we’re selling. People keep asking for it, but I can’t bring myself to do it yet. I know when I see all of our household items disappearing, it will feel like chunks of memories go with them.
It’s silly, actually. I mean, I’ve never even really liked our living room set; it’s not very comfortable. I could really use some new towels. All the elastic is gone from our sheets. I can buy back the exact same dishes in America. Maybe it’s just that losing these physical objects is tangible evidence of the loss of a much less tangible, but far more important life.
In the end, if I think rationally about it, I’m thankful that this overseas life has forced me to love possessions less. Loosening my grip on earthly things–things that will one day be destroyed anyway–has pressed me to set my mind on things above.
That day when I was seven, my mom wisely didn’t force me to walk the dolls back to my friends’ house. Yet, later on, they still quietly disappeared. Lo and behold, I didn’t miss them. Sometimes we just need that grip loosened in order to discover that we really don’t need the things we cling to. Not as much as we thought we did.
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| Our home for the past 10 years. |
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