Have I Failed My Children?

“It’s such a shame that they failed two of their children.” 

I was in college, and my friend was referring to a Christian family with adult children, two of whom had gone off the rails into drugs and unwed pregnancy. 

My friend had young children of her own, and as someone several years ahead of me, she was a mom I greatly admired. She and I both knew that she would certainly not fail her children. I tucked away this lesson: My children’s choices would be a reflection of me. 

***

Around the same time, I attended a large children’s ministry conference where a seminar speaker declared that ADHD was not a real condition – a child who couldn’t pay attention or sit still was the sad result of bad parenting. As an elementary teacher, I suspected the speaker was wrong, but it didn’t stop me from being marinated in the idea that I was responsible for my children’s behavior. 

“First-time obedience” was the mantra of my era of Christian parenting. None of this “count to three” stuff; you were not a good parent if you had to ask twice. If they didn’t obey, it was on you. Being a responsible, perfectionist person, I took this seriously. I was up for the challenge. 

When I first became a parent, this worked. I’d been trained as a teacher. I knew how to hold children to high expectations without raising my voice or losing my cool. And my stubbornness could match the most strong-willed of children. I remember a fellow mom responding with amazement at how quickly my kids complied when summoned from the playground. Yep. I was not going to fail my children. No siree.

It worked, that is, until it didn’t work. Then it became a dumpster fire. And demanding “first-time obedience” became the gasoline that made the fire explode. With one child in particular, the more I dug in my heels and expected obedience, the more the opposite happened. As I increased the consequences, so did my child’s unhinged behavior. 

What all those parenting books and seminar speakers didn’t tell me is that this parenting expectation is successful only when the child feels secure and safe. For neurotypical kids born into a loving, healthy family, this could be a given. An assumption. The books didn’t discuss what to do if your children didn’t feel secure or safe. It was not even a sidebar topic.

And it can be dangerous to assume.

What happens when a two-year-old from an orphanage wants to assert her God-given desire for independence at the exact time when her adoptive parents are trying to bond with her? What about parenting an adopted teenager figuring out his identity and not having biological bonds to fall back on? 

What about the young abandoned mom trying to parent her children alone? What about the child who has experienced violent trauma or sexual abuse – despite her parent’s best efforts to protect her? What about the kid on the autism spectrum who interprets ordinary noises as threats to his safety? What about the one with OCD or ADHD whose extreme anxiety is triggered by the requirement to sit still and stay quiet? 

In these situations, the “first-time obedience” mantra can be disastrous. Doling out consequences can crush her spirit beyond repair. Insisting on unconditional compliance can drive a wedge into an already fragile relationship. 

***

Gil and I laugh when we say that two of our four children make us believe we are totally experts at this parenting gig. If those two were our only kids, we’d give ourselves pats on the back for what a great job we are doing. We’d probably write a parenting book. 

Our other two kids keep our faces ground to the dirt in humility, begging God for help because we don’t know what the heck we are doing. One of them told me last night that I’m the worst mother in the entire world – emphasis on entire. (So I probably won’t be writing that book.) 

Don’t get me wrong – all four of my children are amazing, and I adore each of them. But my point is this: Two of our four could have made me a firm believer in Prosperity Gospel Parenting – that if I have enough faith and do all the right things, God will reward me with perfectly behaved children. Which makes me all the more grateful that He gave me the other two to wipe that smug smile off my face. (And I’d like to add that despite my very happy childhood, my strong will did the same for my own mother. You’re welcome, Mom.) 

We cannot take the good advice of Proverbs and turn it into absolute promises. God Himself – the perfect Father – has a track record that proves otherwise. Just take a look at the Children of Israel. The 12 disciples. His Church. You’d think that if teaching “first-time obedience” guaranteed godly children, we’d see those results in those parented directly by God.

Do not hear me saying that parents are not responsible to faithfully love, disciple, teach, and discipline their children. Children must have boundaries. Gil and I fight hard to protect our kids from destructive influences while preparing them for a destructive world. (They’ll tell you we’re strict.) But also, we spend equal time working on security and belonging because these are not things our kids necessarily feel (even after all this time!). This means that we abandoned requiring first-time obedience for a lot more negotiating, discussion, and buckets of grace. Oh, and humor. Sometimes that’s our most effective tool. 

Our home doesn’t mirror the classic Christian parenting books I read 20 years ago. We have often stretched our boundaries to safeguard our relationship with our kids. Other times we have given grace instead of consequences because we are trying to build trust. I can guarantee that we haven’t always gotten it right. Most of the time, we are feeling our way around a dark room, banging into walls, stubbing our toes. 

It’s ironic that not failing my kids looks less like demanding obedience and more like offering grace. It’s even more ironic when I consider that’s what the story of the Bible looks like too. And since God never fails no matter how I behave, I think I’m finally on the right track. 

Related:

Raising Up a Child in an Age of Deconstruction

The Perfect Parent

What Have I Done to My Children?

More Resources: