I’ve never felt entirely confident in giving marriage advice.
Gil and I do not have a traditional story. We were good friends for two years, dated for a month, were engaged for five months, and were married on October 7, 2000. (I wrote that story here: Exceedingly, Abundantly: The First Decade.)
We moved to Tanzania nine months after we got married, where I had a mental breakdown ten days after we arrived, worked myself into exhaustion with eleven-hour workdays and additional ministry at night, and Gil wasn’t given any of the mentoring he asked for and often felt like a failure. Those first two years, Gil watched dozens of Friday night movies while I fell asleep on the couch next to him during the first fifteen minutes. Fun times.
We moved back to the States two years later for Gil to enter seminary; I was anxious, he was depressed, and we were both a mess a lot of the time. Meanwhile, the harsh reality of infertility entered the picture, and then we had another international move.
I think that both of us spent a good portion of the first several years of our marriage feeling either frustrated or hurt with each other, and it’s difficult to know how much of that was us and how much was our circumstances. But that’s life, right? Disney tells us that marriage begins the happily ever after, but, well, that’s just dumb.
But here we are, twenty-five years later. Still married, and honestly, happier now than we ever were in the early years.
I’ll never be an expert on marriage—I can only be an expert on my marriage. The lessons I’m sharing today might be no-brainers for you, or you might feel a heap of unnecessary condemnation because you can’t see these things applying in your marriage, which looks (or looked) very different from mine. If that’s the case, then ignore what you need to ignore.
I wrote these 25 lessons from my perspective, not Gil’s, but please don’t get the impression that I believe marriage is a one-sided deal. A person can glorify God by loving and serving an unreciprocating spouse, but that marriage will never be happy unless both are loving and serving.
Yet, at the same time, I think that my marriage went from being often frustrating to almost always happy when I stopped fixating on reciprocation. How much did God change me and how much did God change Gil in that season? That is the mystery of two people becoming one.
Last week we celebrated 25 years for a few days in San Diego, and I praised God for this guy who took me to Africa, is the best dad to our kids, and who makes me laugh, feel safe, and be a better version of myself. He has enthusiastically cheered me on through all the roles God has brought me into, even if it’s meant sacrifices for him.
When we got married, we had “Ephesians 3:20-21” inscribed in our wedding rings, which says:
Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
Well, I should clarify: my ring has that reference inscribed in it. Gil lost his wedding ring several years ago and now wears a substitute we bought for one euro from a street vendor in Istanbul. This makes me laugh every time I think about it and I love that fake wedding ring even more because of it. It kind of sums up the messiness of marriage, doesn’t it? You might read this list and think, Wow, she sure has it good! at some parts and Whoa, her marriage was a trainwreck at other parts. Yes and yes.
Without further delay, here are my 25 lessons from 25 years of marriage. When I say lessons, I mean I personally learned them. As in, I didn’t do them well at the beginning. Sometimes I was flat out terrible at them. You’ll have to ask Gil how often I practice what I preach today.
- My parents were right: Choosing a husband who shares your values about God, money, and parenting means way less conflict. And an extra tip for those not yet married? Talk about adoption from the beginning too. I am continually thankful that Gil and I have always been on the same page about all of these things.
- Serve in ministry together. I can’t think of anything else that has intertwined our hearts more than this. I wrote about it here: A Marriage Forged on the Mission Field
- Expectations hurt a marriage. Resentment from unmet expectations makes you unnecessarily miserable.*
- Don’t expect your husband or your marriage to be the source of all of your happiness. In our early years, my mood rose and fell on how well our marriage was going. This is a sure-fire way to be upset a lot of the time and anxious for the rest of it.
- Don’t expect him to read your mind about what makes you happy.
- Focus more time and energy on finding ways to serve him and make him happy instead of pouting over the times he didn’t read your mind.
- Don’t interpret his motives through your incorrect and unrealistic expectations. (No, he probably didn’t forget on purpose nor is it a reflection of his love for you.)
- Don’t expect him to take the place of a healthy community. A marriage cannot hold the weight of a need for close friends.
- Don’t expect him to read your mind about what neat and clean looks like. This is simply not fair. If the windows or baseboards are that important to you, clean them yourself.
- Criticizing, micromanaging, or nagging (which are also forms of criticism) are a great way to discourage him from helping.
- Take the StrengthsFinder assessment. We did this a few years into our marriage and it was a gamechanger for me. Suddenly I understood and appreciated Gil in a completely new light.
- Focus on your husband’s strengths. Many weaknesses can be reframed as strengths. Choose to reframe.
- Regularly compliment him on his strengths. Do this in front of other people.
- Shocker: You are way more selfish and self-centered than you thought possible. When this becomes apparent, respond in humility, not defensiveness.
- Joyfulness is contagious. So is grumpiness and resentment.
- “I was wrong” and “thank you” are the mortar for the bricks of marriage.
- Be kind. Never say or do anything that has the sole purpose of hurting the other person.
- Make him laugh. Be ridiculous. Laugh at his jokes.
- Share everything: bank accounts, phone passwords. Well, except sheets. We tried to share for ten years before we realized that we could sleep better and still be happily married with our own sheets.
- You don’t have to share all interests or hobbies, but learning together (reading, watching, listening) about topics that interest you both is a fantastic way to build connection.
- Encouraging him to pursue his hobbies is a great way to love him.
- Jesus said that dying to yourself (and your desires) is how to find abundant life. Marriage is one of the best ways to discover this.
- The more expectations, grievances, offenses, grudges, hurts, etc, you can let go of, the better. Pick your battles and make them few. Let the rest go.**
- Make grace your goal. Grace for him, grace for yourself, and grace even when he doesn’t give you grace. Grace transforms.
- Prayer is always a better strategy than manipulation, nagging, or worrying.
Grace and prayer are a great way to end this list. I would love to hear your lessons too!
*Just to be clear, expectations of physical and psychological safety should go without saying.
**Anything in the category of abuse or major sin issues doesn’t count. Don’t let those go.
