Tag: Growing up in Africa Page 5 of 11

Don’t Ask Me About My Christmas Traditions

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My first Christmas on African soil was when I had just turned six years old.  We had arrived in Liberia only three weeks earlier, and my mom was in the throes of major culture shock.  My parents had shipped over a few presents, but nothing else for Christmas.  My mom managed to find a two-foot plastic tree at a store, and decorated it with tiny candy canes wrapped in cellophane.  After just a few days, the candy canes turned into puddles inside their wrappers.  My mom says it was the most depressing Christmas she’s ever had. 

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Our first Liberian Christmas: My brother and I with our punching balloons, and my sad Mama.

I remember that Christmas, but the funny thing is, I thought it was great.  I remember being concerned how Santa would get into our house without a chimney, but my parents assured me they would leave the door unlocked.  We had a tree, we were together, and it was Christmas.  I was happy.

Fast forward 25 years to when I started raising my own TCKs in tropical Africa.  I was a young mother around the time when social media was really taking off, and I felt suffocated under the expectations of creating a magical Christmas for my children, complete with handmade crafts and meaningful traditions. Not only that, but I was quite literally suffocating in a southern hemisphere tropical climate.  There weren’t going to be any pine trees or snuggling up in pajamas while going out to see Christmas lights.  In fact, the only festivity to be found in our city was a five-foot high, mechanical, singing Santa in our grocery store that terrified my two-year-old and made her run away screaming.

We can tell ourselves that “Jesus is the reason for the season”—and even believe it—but we all know that we have expectations for Christmas to be more than that.  The traditions, the parties, the “magic,” even the cold weather, all are wrapped up in what we dream Christmas is “supposed” to be.

Ever wonder what Christmas is like for those of us living in a different country?  Click hereto read the rest of this post over at A Life Overseas.

The Cost I Didn’t Count

It’s been two years and four months since we’ve been to America, and it will be at least another four months before we do go.  This is new territory for me.  In my entire life, I’ve never been overseas more than two years without visiting home.

For most of this year, our plan was to go home for November and December.  According to that plan, we should be there right now.  But we still don’t have a passport for our sweet boy, and so we wait.

This is not the first time we’ve had to change plans because of one of our kids.  It’s happened more times than I can remember, actually.  But Gil and I took turns traveling during those instances, so each of us had at least been able to visit for a couple of weeks.

I don’t usually get homesick anymore.  But this season, I am.  I now have three nephews I have yet to meet. We would have been there for three birthdays and Gil’s folks’ 40th anniversary. When you imagine yourself spending the holidays with your family, and you think it’s going to happen, and then it doesn’t, somehow it hurts more.  My parents are coming out again for Christmas, and I am thrilled, but it’s not the same as going home.

The weird thing is that this is home.  It’s home for us, and home for our kids.  I can simultaneously long to be home and yet be home at the same time.  There’s just not any other way to explain it.

Lily came home with this page last year.  It was part of a lesson about staying safe, and the kids were supposed to fill in the blanks with the people in their life that they can trust.

Lily wrote, “Dad, Amy (aka Mom), Uncle Mark, Aunt Alyssa, Uncle Ben, Aunt Lauren.”  Mark and Alyssa and Ben and Lauren are some of our dearest friends here, and have crossed over into the family category.  Lily has known all of them for as long as she can remember.  She loves them, and they love her, as family.  I was simultaneously deeply touched and utterly heartbroken by what Lily wrote.  

In Between Worlds, Marilyn Gardner writes, “Our parents felt the ache of distance from blood relatives,
but as children we were perfectly content with this version of family.”  Yes.  It was true for me as a child as well.  I missed my grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins, but I had dozens of surrogates, and I was happy.  It’s only now, as an adult, that I truly understand that pain.

For so long, I thought only of my own sacrifice in moving overseas, of what I was giving up, of what I would lose.  Now I have a deeper understanding of the sacrifice of those left behind, of their lost memories of first steps and birthdays and Thanksgivings and Christmases and family vacations.  As Marilyn poignantly describes, “Most of all there has been the daily life that had to
readjust to the absence of the ones who left, daily life minus extra spots at
dinner tables and extra voices in conversations.”  I hurt for them.  I hurt for what we have done to them.  It is a cost I didn’t fully understand when we signed up for this life.  

It’s ironic how so much about cross-cultural work is all about adaptation.  Because that’s always the goal, isn’t it?  And we celebrate when we have adapted, when we aren’t homesick anymore and we do feel at home and we have put down roots.  But then comes the stark realization that with that adaptation comes more pain.  And it’s a pain that you can’t just get over or work through, because there is no solution for it.  It feels like a betrayal of those you love.  You’re thankful that you and your kids have fallen in love with people and places in your new country, but you realize it comes at the expense of those you left behind.  

We can’t live two lives.  Whatever happens here, doesn’t happen there.  It’s loss, and there’s just no other way to describe it.  We gain, but we lose at the same time.  And more importantly, so do the people we love.

Jesus said that everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for his sake will receive a hundred times as much.  Is that also true for those left behind?

The Place That Was Home

I was wrenched from my home at age 13.  Of course, I say that figuratively, as we were in the States on home assignment when the war started in Liberia.  However, many of my friends were literally wrenched away, on emergency evacuation planes.  

We kept hoping that the whole thing would blow over, but as the war progressed, our mission made the decision to relocate us to Ethiopia.  I cried that day like I never had before.  The plan had been for us to spend the next four years in Liberia–which would have been all of high school for me.  Instead, the course of my life changed dramatically.

I never had closure with Liberia.  My roots were pulled up without my permission, suddenly and unexpectedly, and in the course of just a couple of months, deposited in another country.  When you yank off a band-aid really quickly, it hurts pretty bad.  

“For many of us [TCK’s], the only thing we feel we have left are our memories.  We cannot go back to the place that was home.”  (Marilyn Gardner)

It was the days before digital photography, when photos were sparse and treasured.  And on top of that, we lost many of the photos we did have to the war.  So for a long time, most of what I knew of Liberia was left only to my memories.  

That is, until the recent years of social media.  Those of us who grew up in the idyllic paradise that was the ELWA compound started networking.  Maybe we only had a few photos each, but we started sharing them.  A few people went back to Liberia, and took new pictures.  And I saw before my eyes my childhood being recreated in pictures.  Places that had only existed in my memories began to reappear in actual images.  It’s been incredibly meaningful.

So today, you get to see my childhood too.

I should note that I don’t know who took many of these pictures, as they were shared on ELWA sites without names.  But I am exceedingly grateful to whoever did.

This was my home.  ELWA compound was established in the 50’s mainly as a radio station but grew into a hospital and school as well.  The compound was a square mile in size and housed up to 70 missionary families at it’s height, as well as many Liberian families.  For a few months during the war in 1990, it sheltered something like 30,000 people–until the bombs started falling there too.  

The above picture was taken from one of the radio station towers–which used to broadcast all over West Africa.

As kids, we had free reign of this compound.  We rode our bikes everywhere and our moms didn’t worry. All the families had motorcycles, and my dad would often take me in the evenings to collect the mail, riding backwards and barefoot as the sun set over the ocean.  The center of the compound was still untamed jungle, and many a young boy (and sometimes the girls) would tromp through it on daring adventures.  

The beach was our backdrop on weekdays and our playground on Saturdays.  Many of the houses were built only fifty feet from the water.  In this first picture, the house in the distance was directly across the road from our house.  

The picture below was our house.  This is fairly recent picture, taken by a school friend who visited a couple of years ago.  The picture makes me sad, because the house looks so tired and worn out now, when it was such a place of joy for me.  It used to be surrounded by palm trees and all kinds of vegetation, all of which were cut down during the war.  When I was a child, the thick jungle in the back of our house was much wilder, bringing in the occasional green mamba.

photo credit:  Ghada Abouchacra Tajeddine

This is one of the few pictures I have of me in that house.  I’ve got my red-checked sewing bag next to me, which I made in second grade and used until seventh grade.  Lost in the war.

Did you see that big porch?  We had a hammock on that porch, and I would sit in it for hours.  

And this?  This was the view from that hammock on that porch.  Whoever took this picture must have been standing in our yard.  Sometimes, when it was raining, I would sit here and watch the lightning hit the water.  We regularly got 200 inches of rain every year.  

One time in that lagoon, millions of minuscule baby crabs hatched, covering every available surface.  

This swamp was directly next to our house and across from the lagoon.  Back when I lived there, it was covered with lily pads.  Sometimes we would take a canoe out onto this swamp and walk around on the mangroves.  

photo credit:  Robin Shea McGee

This was the road heading away from our house, towards dozens of other missionary houses and my school.  This is a recent picture, so the coconut trees are smaller than they were in my day.  They are the replacements from all those cut down during the war.

photo credit:  Robin Shea McGee

About twice every year during the rainy season, the lagoon would fill up so much that the sand barrier between it and the ocean would break open, creating a crazy crazy water slide which would only last for a day or so.  Everyone always greatly anticipated this event.  After just a few hours, it would slow down to the trickle you see in the picture below, but until then, we rode the rapids.

photo credit:  Bethany Fankhauser

My brother and I in front of the lagoon.  

A despised event was the time every year when all the Portuguese-men-of-war would wash up on the shore, thousands of them.  You couldn’t swim that day; their stings were legendary.

Every morning, we walked along the beach road until we got to this path.  There was a shortcut through those trees which led to school.  

photo credit (and the next two):  Robin Shea McGee 

And this was that path.

This is a recent picture of the wall surrounding ELWA Academy, which was white when I was a kid.

To the right of this picture are school buildings, and on the left is the gym, which also functioned as our church and meeting hall.

Photo credit:  Robin Shea McGee
photo credit:  Matthew Molenhouse

There are still missionaries in Liberia, and the ELWA Hospital was the central point of the Ebola fight two years ago.  The radio station was rebuilt after it was leveled during the war.  However, most of the houses are now filled with Liberians, which is really how it should be.  Big compounds filled with missionaries was the old way of doing missions, and thankfully organizations have figured out that there’s better ways to reach people than putting all the missionaries together.  But it sure was an extraordinary place to grow up.  And since I never did get to say good-bye, I’m so thankful for pictures that let me see it one last time.  

Raising Kids With Forbidden Roots

If my roots are forbidden, then what happens to my kids?

My kids are indeed TCKs (third-culture kids), but not in the usual sense.  They are Tanzanian by birth, being raised in Tanzania by Americans.  They have two passports, are spending their childhood in their birth country but will most likely one day live in their parents’ country.  If that sounds confusing, trying explaining it to your kids.

My children have never been allowed to live one life.  There is always a whole other universe lurking behind everything we do.  When they were little and were able to just go along with everywhere we yanked them, it wasn’t really a big deal.  But they are older now, growing into lives of their own, and I’m finding myself trying to help them figure out their two worlds.  I don’t usually feel very successful.

Have you ever thought about when would be a “good” time to just leave everything behind from your life and go visit another country for four months?  Your job, your house, your church, your car, your everything.  That’s what it’s like for missionaries to go on home assignment.  And now that our kids are getting older?  Even more complicated.

We need to go on a home assignment this year.  We would have loved to do it this past summer, but Johnny’s adoption was not yet finalized.   So that means it will happen sometime this school year, depending on when we can get Johnny’s passport.  I had to sit down with Grace recently and talk to her about this.  Of course, she loves visiting the States.  But I had to tell her that this year, that will mean she will miss out on some important events in fifth grade.  She might miss the week-long rainforest trip, or she might miss her elementary school graduation.  She might miss the end of soccer season or the entirety of track season.  I could see her face fall as we talked about this.  As much as she wants to see her grandparents, it’s hard for her to accept the loss of something significant in exchange.  But this is the reality of the life we have given our children.  That other universe will be constantly interrupting her life.

“Most TCKs go through more grief experiences by the time they
are twenty than monocultural individuals do in a lifetime.”  (David Pollock)

I grew up that way.  I flip-flopped between a typical suburban childhood on a cul-de-sac in California with a manicured lawn and a BMX bike, to a life on a tropical beach in Liberia, West Africa, where I walked through the forest to school and rode a canoe in the lagoon.  I knew two lives, two universes with different sets of routines and rules and cultures that I learned to navigate.  Two places where I put down roots that kept being yanked up.

Maybe that’s why it scares me to find myself unconsciously putting down roots again.  Maybe that’s why it’s even harder to know that I am deliberately doing the same thing to my own children.  Will they figure out how to live in these two worlds?  Will they know who they are?  Will the joy out-weigh the grief?

It worked for me.  Which is why I was happy to choose this two-world life for my children.  I just never realized how difficult it would be to walk with them through it.

“We know goodbyes in a way we wish we didn’t, and we struggle
to articulate grief and loss.  Yet in the
next breath we speak of how we wouldn’t give up the lives we’ve had for
anything.” (Marilyn Gardner)

Forbidden Roots

Somewhere along the road, I adapted.

I can’t even tell you when it happened.  But I do know that it took a long time–years and years.

When you move to a new country, the remnants of your old life stay with you for a long time.  At first, keeping in touch with your friends is a big priority.  You get lots of packages in the mail.  You grieve the loss of all that you left behind.  But you are excited to be in this new place you dreamed about for so long, and that excitement keeps you going for a while.  After the honeymoon wears off–which could happen in a week or a year–then it just takes grit.  A lot of grit.  As in, I’m going to grit my teeth and stay here even though I hate it.  



That stage also can vary in length.  But it usually morphs into the next stage, which is a settled acceptance.  You re-learn how to do everything you used to be good at–how to shop, how to clean, how to drive, how to relax, how to get the stupid electricity to stay on, where the best place is to buy mangoes.  You find a new normal and you forget that it’s weird that there’s a gecko on your wall that’s watching you brush your teeth.

But quite often, you still need that grit to get you through another water shortage or your third flat tire in one week.  The lure of your old life is still there, and your heart will regularly long for what you left behind.

And then, somewhere along the road, so slowly that you don’t even realize it, you adapt.  You fully transition.  I don’t know when it happened for me.  But I’ve lived in Tanzania for twelve years now, and I don’t think it starting happening until somewhere around year eight or nine.  It’s different for everyone, I’m sure.  It happens a lot faster to children.

It’s a strange, strange feeling.  It’s not that I’ve forgotten those I love who I have left behind, or that I have stopped missing them.  It’s that I have stopped missing that life.  I used to long to return to that life, and now I can’t fathom leaving this life.

It’s not that I’ve grown to love the insane traffic in Dar es Salaam, or that I suddenly adore this ridiculous heat.  Because I don’t.  It’s that this normal has become so normal that I can’t imagine leaving it.

Except, I know that I will someday.  And even though we don’t have plans to leave Tanzania, I know that someday we will.  I am not a citizen.  This is not my country.  Our residence here is dependent on a fragile balance of health, financial support, and government favor.  Yet the thought of leaving fills me with an intense grief, knowing that it will tear away part of my being.  Not just a loss of place, but a loss of who I am.

That’s how I know I have adapted.

Which is a good thing, of course.  But also a tragic thing.  It’s like coming to the realization that you’ve fallen in love with something that you can’t keep.  Or knowing that your roots have gone down deep but will one day be unceremoniously yanked up again.  It will hurt, and pieces will surely be ripped off.

And I’m not sure what to to think about that.

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