Tag: Book Recommendations Page 10 of 11

I am an expert on fear.

Worrying is a particular specialty of mine. I could give you some great tips. Like, it’s important to feel in control of every possible horrible situation that could ever happen to you by using your imagination to go through each and every detail of each possible scenario.

I remember once trying to convince Gil that we needed a full-time gardener so that someone could open the gate for us instead of doing it ourselves. “But what if,” I argued, “I was trying to open the gate myself, and in doing so I left the kids in the car, and a car jacker came up and demanded the keys from me, and he drove off with the kids in the car?” I could totally picture myself running down the road and screaming. If I thought about it hard enough, I could even start crying.

Gil just looked at me in disbelief. “Have you ever heard of that happening here?” he asked.

Well, no. But that doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen.

And just when I think I have worried about every-possible-bad-thing-that-could-ever-happen, then God surprises me by allowing my washing machine to catch fire in the middle of the night. Never had thought through that one.

But anyway.

I have been more than just a worrier. When I say I am an expert on fear, that’s not just because of my over-active imagination. It’s because I struggled for a number of years with what some would call Panic Disorder.

It started 10 days after arriving in Dar es Salaam for the first time in 2001. I had a massive panic attack, which led to a nervous breakdown for the following few weeks. “Barely coping” would be an understatement. “Breathing for the next minute” would be more descriptive. Darkness, fear, the world falling apart around me…that’s what it felt like. I thought I was going insane; I had crazy obsessive fears; I couldn’t use a knife in the kitchen because I was paranoid I was going to stab someone with it.

There were no professional counselors in Dar at the time. I didn’t know what was happening to me so I had a hard time even articulating it to my husband. Only the grace of God kept me in Tanzania. I honestly didn’t think there was much hope for me, so I didn’t think that going back to the States would make things any better. So I stayed.

The darkness lasted at least six months. We later traced its beginning to the malaria medicine I was taking at the time, but even after the drug was out of my system, my brain had a new way of thinking. The second year in Tanzania was better, but within two months of returning to the States, it all returned with a vengeance.

This time I fought. I fought hard. I read everything I could. I got some help. I trained Gil in what to say to me when I was struggling (Bless my patient husband for enduring this with me!). The turning point came when I took a class at my church in the Foundations of Biblical Counseling. I took the class because I wanted to help other people, but first I needed to apply the principles to my own life.

And it all clicked. Not all at once, of course. But I started to get it. The roots of my fear. God’s view of suffering. The importance of perseverance. Who I was and who God was. Acceptance of suffering; confession of sin; trusting Him above everything else; submission to His will. And I was set free.

That was 2004. Six years ago, and it has yet to come back. I have no guarantee that it won’t; but I don’t fear it anymore if it does. And that is probably my best weapon to fight it.

The whole point of why I am writing this post is to give you a book recommendation. But I had to give you all that background so that you would understand why I so highly recommend this book. I have read a multitude of books on the subjects of fear and worry, from all sides of the counseling spectrum. But this one takes the cake. This one gets the prize. He gets it. He says all the things I had to figure out on my own. If you are just an everyday worrier or an expert in fear like me, then you want this book.

Some nuggets:

“Any time you love or want something deeply, you will notice fear and anxieties because you might not get them. Any time you can’t control the fate of those things you want or love, you will notice fears and anxieties because you might lose them…..Control and certainly are myths.”

“Worriers are visionaries minus the optimism.”

“One message is obvious: If I imagine the worst, I will be more prepared for it. Worry is looking for control. It is still irrational because worry will not prepare us for anything, but at least it has its reasons.”

“If you are jaded because you feel as though God has been unreliable, look at it this way: there are no other choices….The greatest possibility for rest and comfort lies in the knowledge of the true God.”

“If I can trust the word of a friend, why do I question the word of the God of the universe? Go figure. Sin is truly bizarre.”

“Anxiety asks for more information so it can be prepared for the coming apocalypse. It also asks for more information so it can manage the world apart from God.”

“Can we say that we die to our children? Yes, in a sense, but it isn’t exactly our children. We die to our notions that God doesn’t care about them. We die to the fear that no one is in control. We die to our belief that God is not always good. We die to the grasping that says, ‘My children are mine and mine alone.’”

I could go on. But I’ll just let you read the book instead.  And I pray you find the rest and freedom that have been granted to me.

I really liked this one.

John Rosemond is a family psychologist who later became a Christian, which subsequently revitalized his view of parenting.  So he’s got both perspectives.  His history of parenting philosophies was fascinating.  And basically the whole book is about throwing out the notion that a high self-esteem is the ultimate goal of parenting and re-adopting the idea that character is far more important. 

He writes, “I cannot emphasize enough that according to both the Bible and good research, possessing high self-esteem and being a person of character are incompatible.”

He also goes back to that biblical notion that children are naturally evil and selfish and essentially have to be forced to be otherwise.  Therefore, the idea that simply “reasoning” with a child to make them behave, or even using rewards and consequences just won’t work.  He says that good parenting is a matter of being a good leader, and that means being loving but also being very firm. 

Great Quote of the Day:  “No matter how good a parent you are, your child is still capable on any given day of doing something despicable, disgusting, or depraved.”

I liked it because I agree with pretty much everything he wrote.  So I didn’t necessarily learn much that was new, but it did give me more confidence as a mom that what I am doing is okay.  That it is okay to be really firm with my kids.  That it is okay to not come running every time they cry.  That it is okay to expect a lot out of them–that Josiah can put his clothes away and that Grace can make her bed and set the table and peel carrots and grate cheese.   

For example, when Josiah whines for milk, and after making him ask “the polite way” (which seems to be our routine 50 times a day), I don’t need to immediately drop what I am doing and get him the milk.  When we are in the car and Grace asks to listen to kids’ music, I don’t need to do it every single time.  Sometimes (gasp) we can listen to grown-up music.  I don’t need to entertain my children all day long.  My life does not need to revolve around them.  And yet, spending time as a family is far more important than making sure they are “well-rounded” and involved in all sorts of outside activities. 

I did these things, but I still struggled with guilt all the time.  I have wanted them to learn independence, patience, responsibility, and self-control, but I always wondered, “Am I just being selfish?  Is it really okay to make him wait for his milk?”  So now I don’t feel guilty about that anymore. 

Rosemond says, “My mother, typical of her generation, had no problem shooing me out from underfoot, even telling me I had no permission to be in the same room with her if she was doing something that required her undivided attention.  At those times, she would usually warn me that if I didn’t find something to do and leave her alone, she would find something for me to do.  In that regard, my mom was typical of her generation.  Today’s mom is horrified at the mere thought of telling her child that something she is doing is more important than something he wants her to do.”

Of course, I do still struggle as a Mom.  The truth is, I am selfish sometimes.  Um, a lot of the time.  And grumpy and impatient.  I have to work on my own sinful nature even more than my own kids’.  So figuring out that balance is a daily quest. 

I would recommend this book to anyone.  He uses biblical wisdom but it would be applicable to parents from any background. 

The Mommy Quest continues!  This is just one more great resource along the way. 

I write this one carefully. I recognize that I really am just at the beginning of this parenting journey, and don’t have the experience necessary to really give definitive advice.

It’s been a long while since I’ve read a parenting book. The last couple years I’ve been working on my master’s degree, and so all my extra reading time is taken up by that. But now I am thankfully in “Marriage and Family Counseling,” which I am not only greatly enjoying, but required me to read Teach Them Diligently by Lou Priolo, a book that had long sat on my shelf waiting for me to read it.

The subtitle is “How to Use the Scriptures in Child Training,” which is really what this book is about. And indeed, it is a helpful, clear, excellent book. Priolo makes a very strong case for why parents need to be using Scripture when training their children. He teaches parents that not only should they be giving their children formal Bible instruction (memorization, devotions, etc.), but also using Scripture on a day-to-day basis, in the midst of many conversations and always when disciplining. Thus, parents must know Scripture well if they expect to pass it on to their children. I was convicted. I was challenged. And I was given many practical ideas for how to implement this kind of training.

But I did do some wondering. Priolo makes some pretty “absolute” type statements. “Teaching the Bible to your children is non-optional. You have been given the responsibility to indoctrinate your children with Scripture. The question is not whether or not you are going to teach God’s Word to the, but whether or not you are going to obey God’s Word yourself. No matter what you believe your parental job description entails, nothing else you do to, for, or with them is more important than this.”

I struggle with that statement. On one level, I agree with him. Teaching Scripture to my children is extremely important (and something Gil and I are indeed already doing, though could be doing more of). But I worry….what if this is the main focus of a parent, and he or she neglects equally important aspects of parenting, such as the vital necessity of building a relationship with your children? Though Priolo emphasizes that we are not to pound Scripture into our children, that we are to initiate conversations and discussion but not be preachy, and that the parent first must “practice what he preaches,” I wish that Priolo had put on greater emphasis that this Scriptural teaching must be based on a relationship with our children.

Let me explain. I think a parent could be extremely good at teaching her children Scripture, disciplining them with Scripture, and integrating Scripture into life’s conversations and yet have very little relationship with her children. What will likely be the result? Embittered children. Against their parents and against God.

We don’t want to listen to people if we don’t believe they really care about us. We don’t want to emulate them unless we feel the love. And I think, if we’re not careful, that can happen in Christian child-rearing unless we emphasize both sides of the coin.

I think of my own upbringing. My parents did not follow Christ until shortly after I was born. They didn’t get any lessons in “biblical child-rearing.” I don’t recall them teaching me Bible verses (though I do think they did so with my younger brother), but they did help me with Awana and send me to Christian school. They didn’t quote Scripture when they disciplined me (which was often; I was a pretty naughty little girl!). But what they did do was build relationship with me. They spent lots and lots of time with me; we created wonderful family memories; they took time daily to talk to me on my level. They invited me into their lives. And when I got older, we discussed church and missions and theology and Scripture. All the time. I was very, very confident of their love and very much wanted to follow their example–and very much wanted to follow Christ.

So I guess that could be part of the reason why I struggle with Priolo’s statement that “teaching the Bible to your children….is more important [than anything else].” To take a verse slightly out of context, if I “have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.” Yes! I want to teach Scripture to my children and yes! I want them to know the gospel. But if it does not come in the context of love based in relationship, I will only be clanging cymbals to my children. Ideally, both elements (Scripture and relationship) should be in parenting. But if I had to change my upbringing to where my parents emphasized Scripture but neglected relationship, I would choose relationship any day.

Priolo does allude to this in his book. But I wish it was stronger, even though his book is really just a focus on using Scripture in child-rearing. Because I worry that a new parent who picks up this book and thinks that the main thing she needs to do to be a good parent is to teach Scripture to her kids, then she is mistaken.

So. I now have a renewed focus on teaching my kids to memorize Scripture. I’ve been using it more when I talk to them. I am working at showing them how it applies to various life situations. But I am equally reminding myself to get down on the floor with them. To allow them to crowd around me when I am baking cookies, even though I get a little claustrophobic and the flour gets on the floor. To read those books and give lots of kisses. To laugh at them when they are being silly and to look at Josiah when he says, “Look at me, Mommy!” and uses his hand to turn my face towards his (which happened a couple times during this blog post!). To bring them with me to the grocery store even though it’s a whole lot easier without them.

Because then, hopefully, prayerfully, when I tell them, “Children, obey your parents,” or “Do everything without complaining or arguing,” they will listen. And it will go down into their hearts. And bring conviction. And the gospel.