Tag: Adoption Page 8 of 24

If you follow international adoption news, you’ve heard it:  Birthparents are manipulated into sending a child to an orphanage.  A mother is promised money to give her sweet one up for adoption.  Paperwork falsified.  People who know better making way too much money off of a child’s plight.

Adoption mends.  Adoption redeems.  Adoption brings hope.   Except when the brokenness breeds more brokenness.

What kind of a world do we live in, where men exploit a child who has already lost everything?  Where people prey on other’s poverty, ignorance, hopelessness?

I read articlesthis week on Uganda’sadoption program, which seems to be the next African adoption program that will bite the dust.  Like a long line of dominoes they have fallen:  Rwanda, Liberia, Ghana…now Congo and Ethiopia are only hanging on by a thread….and next, Uganda joins the list.  The headlines announce fraud, corruption, deceit.  And meanwhile the children languish, on streets, in orphanages, two or three to a bed.

What I don’t understand is why there is a need to traffic children for adoptions.  Greedy lawyers shouldn’t need to connive their way into stealing children.  For goodness sake, there’s enough orphans to go around.

How do we define an orphan?  That is the big question.  UNICEF defines an orphan as any child who has lost at least one parent.  ‘Tis true–an orphan of this definition does not necessarily need a new family. Maybe her Dad just needs a job or her Mom needs a place to live.  By all means, let’s keep these families intact.

But I don’t define an orphan that way.  In my definition, an orphan is any child who has no family, for any reason.  Most of the time, that child’s parents are still alive.  They are just not able to parent their child.  Think about it:  Are not all American foster children in this category?  Every American baby put up for adoption?  Death is not the only way to create an orphan.  Yet all are the product of brokenness; all need the redemption of adoption.

Such is the same on this continent.  For every horror story, for every “orphan” child who is manipulated away from her parents, there are a hundred more who are left in hospital beds, in church buildings or bars, or dumped down toilet holes.   A hundred more who are the carnage left behind from war, famine, HIV.  Many times, brokenness wins, and no poverty-fighting program is going to save that family.  But maybe, just maybe, the child can be saved.

Yet instead of salvation, in comes the dollar signs and the prestigious positions, and the rescue operation turns into lucrative business.  Meanwhile, a child still cries herself to sleep.  And no mother ever comes.

I feel ripped in two.  I see my children, my beautiful children, asleep in their beds–fed, kissed, content, hopeful.  I want to tell you their stories, because it would help you to love adoption more, and give you the confidence that yes! adoption is a wondrous thing–but those stories are for them alone to tell.  So instead you must trust me when I tell you that adoption was the only hope for my children….and that there are millions more out there just like them.  I look at my children and I want to say to you, YES!  Please give the chance of a family to one more orphan!  

But instead, I find myself afraid.  I feel privileged, with all my adoptions, that I have had the absolute confidence that I know everything there is to know about my children’s stories. Though each process cost me much blood, sweat, and tears, I am positive no one received any unjust compensation.  But can I give you my assurance that you would have the same confidence if you embark on this journey?  I just don’t know.

It shouldn’t be this way!  I must trust in God’s justice for those who seek to exploit the least of these, because otherwise the anger will consume me.

In the midst of the stories of adoption fraud and corruption, remember this:  The orphans are still there, millions of them.  Ethical international adoptions are still possible if you are very, very careful.  Do not allow cynicism and fear to keep you from considering this incredible journey.  

There are beautiful bright spots, in places such as Forever Angels, where Lily came from.  Forever Angels is not only the best-run orphanage I have seen, but it seeks, first and foremost, to reunite families.  They do everything they can–donate formula, provide jobs, help with housing–whatever it takes–to keep families together.

If that doesn’t happen, then–and only then–do they look for adoptive families.  Yet even with these protective measures, they have dozens of children available for adoption.  Only a very few will ever get families.  If you are a resident of Tanzania–especially a citizen–will you consider adoption in a new way today?

If you need a little encouragement, you need to watch this video from Forever Angels.  And even if you don’t live here (and thus don’t qualify to adopt in Tanzania), watch it anyway….because I promise, it will make your day.  Which is something you might need after reading this post.

Note added July 2016:  Shortly after writing this post, my whole view of international adoption was turned upside down.  Please read the series I wrote after months of research.  

My kids were relating to me the adoption story of one of their friends.  Well, adoption always starts with something sad, I reminded them.

Sometimes I have to remind myself too, because I tend to forget.  We are a happy family.  Josiah loves hiding behind doors and scaring people.  Grace is enthusiastic about everything.  Lily loves to be chased and has an infectious giggle.  We eat dinner together every night.  We love playing games.  We dance a lot.  There’s a lot of tickling.

Of course, we have grumpiness and meanness and sometimes they drive me batty.  He’s not helping!  She hit me!  I’m telling!  But it’s all normal.  I forget, often, that my kids are adopted.  I forget that they have pasts that didn’t involve me.

This school year, one of our children has been having some “incidents” of bad behavior in class.  It started out somewhat mild, but continued to escalate until January, when we knew we needed to really take action.  This child would be set off by certain triggers, which would turn into loud, long, and uncontrollable outbursts.

I was a teacher for 7 years before I became a mom.  All I could think was, Oh no, my kid is that kid.

So Gil and I did what we had always done with our children’s sinful behavior, and what has always worked.  We set out very clear and significant rewards and consequences, and we followed through on them.  We made a behavior chart.  We had long, solemn talks with this child.  As a family, we role played school-day scenarios, which always ended with everyone laughing in heaps on the floor.

Unfortunately, at school there was no laughing.  Our plan did not work.  In fact, it got worse.  A lot worse.  During one terrible week, I broke down and cried.  I wasn’t just concerned for my child.  I was scared.  We had been trying everything we could think of.  What else could we do?

In desperation, I wrote to Elaine, a friend of mine who is an adoption specialist.  I described my child’s behavior.  Could this be an adoption issue?  I asked.

She wrote back almost immediately.  Absolutely, she said.  No doubt.  She answered my questions and sent me all sorts of articles and links to read.

Suddenly it all became very clear.  Of course!  I thought about my child’s past.  I thought about how the school environment could trigger things from the past.  It made sense!  My child wasn’t acting out of defiance; my child was acting out of fear.

My friend reminded me that all adopted children have experienced trauma.  Even if they were adopted as infants, there is still trauma.  A baby bonds with his or her mother while in the womb.  God’s original plan is for children to stay with their birth mothers.  When that doesn’t happen, there’s trauma.  All of my children came from incredibly competent and loving orphanages, but they were still orphanages.  Children are not meant to be in orphanages.  Period.

Gil and I, along with our child’s wonderful teacher, started looking at our child’s behavior from an entirely different angle.  We made a different plan.  We are doing less fighting against the behavior and more addressing the underlying issue.  For parents like us, who tend to be no-nonsense and generally expect obedience from our children, this feels permissive.  It goes against some of our instincts.  But it’s working!

It’s been almost a month now, and we’ve had a lot less incidents.  I’ve noticed a confidence in my child that wasn’t there before.  My child is happier and friendlier.  Most importantly, I feel so much closer to my child’s heart.  I feel like I understand some of the behavior of the last few years…and I have a lot more compassion.

I realize that so far, our kids’ struggles have been pretty mild compared to what some adoptive families go through.  But I’m sharing this story because I want to give other adoptive families hope, and because I want to encourage school teachers, Sunday School teachers, and coaches of adopted kids to also be willing to consider other angles as well.  Elaine told me to start at this website, and now I’m passing it onto you.

Adoption always starts with something sad.  But by the grace of God, that never has to be the end of the story.