Tag: Adoption Page 3 of 23

We Have Not Learned Our Lesson About Adoption Corruption

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On February 12, 2017

In Adoption

Sometimes I think I am a glutton for punishment.  

I keep clinging onto vestiges of hope that maybe international adoption can work in developing countries.  But I am drawn like a bug to a zapper when I see books like this one:

Finding Fernanda:  Two mothers, one child, and a cross-border search for truth by Erin Siegal

And yes, I felt like a zapped bug.  This time, I got to read 312 pages describing (in sordid detail) the stinking cesspool that was the Guatemalan adoption industry.  And an industry it was, since at its height, thousands of children were exported from this tiny war-torn country every year.  In fact, for several years, 1 out of every Guatemalan 100 babies were sold to America.  And while thousands of American families fawned over pictures of “their” children, fixed up nurseries, and prayed desperate prayers, the millions of dollars being sent to Guatemala were being used by adoption agencies, lawyers, judges, and orphanages to manipulate, buy, or just plain kidnap children away from their mothers.  

And the pit in my stomach just continues to grow.  

As I’ve said over and over, I wish it wasn’t true.  I so desperately want to support all international adoptions–I really do.  And it would be one thing if collectively the American Adoption Community looked at Guatemala and said, Wow, we really learned our lesson.  We won’t ever let that happen again.  But the hardest part about all of this is that America still has not learned its lesson.  It still is turning a blind eye. 

You might have read the post I wrote last year called Children Are No Longer For Sale in Uganda.  After Uganda’s adoption industry turned into its own cesspool, the Ugandan government finally got in control of it and passed some new laws.  Perhaps the most significant of those laws is that any foreign adoptive parent needs to now foster the child in Uganda for one year before adopting.  

So you can imagine my surprise when I read the following on the United States Department of State website last week:

What does this mean?  It means that some American adoption agencies are trying to get around the one-year fostering law by finding Ugandan families to “proxy foster” the child….until the requirement is supposedly met and the American family can swoop in and take the child back to America.

What?

WHAT?

How clear does Uganda need to be?  How spelled out do they need to make the law?  It’s even written in English.  You must live in Uganda for at least one year to adopt a child.   Is it really that hard to understand?  But hey, I guess if Madonna is able to ignore adoption residency requirements, then anyone can.

Some will say, Well, adoptive families wouldn’t be able to get away with it if it wasn’t okay.  Really?  Then they obviously have never lived in a developing country before.  They have absolutely no idea the depth of the corruption that they are enabling, that they are contributing to, in the name of rescuing a child.

Sigh.  I’ll say it again:

If you’re feeling called to adopt,choose a Hague-Convention country.  Do your homework; don’t just trust your agency.  Ask the hard questions.  Read the country’s laws for yourself.  Support adoption reform.  Remember that adoption corruption is rampant and you cannot assume the best.

Please, please, America (and it really is mainly America), let’s learn this lesson.

The Conflict of International Adoption Reform: Why Are Agencies Trying to Stop It?

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On November 5, 2016

In Adoption

I am pro-adoption, and have four adopted kids of my own.

I am pro-international adoption, when it’s done the right way.

I have lived 18 years in African countries, including 12 in Tanzania.

I have witnessed first-hand the corruption in international adoption.

Please keep these these things in mind as you read this.

If you are in international adoption circles, you probably have heard about the adoption reforms currently being proposed by the US Department of State.  Your agency might have circulated a petition on social media for you to sign, protesting the new regulations.  You might have read an article insisting that the new regulations will ruin international adoption.

So today, I hope you’ll read this article, where I give my support for these new regulations.  

This is why.

1.  The new law would give the State Department the control to accredit agencies for specific countries.

Imagine you are a consular officer working in a United States embassy overseas.  You know that international adoption is illegal in your country, or that it is full of corruption.  Yet, when an application for a US visa for an adopted child comes across your desk, there is very little you can do besides grant the visa.  If some of the documentation looks fraudulent, as long as there is a genuine adoption order included, you really can’t change anything.  And if you do try–let’s say you launch an investigation that delays the visa–then the American family will promptly call their local US government representative–who will make your life hell.  Yes, this is how it works.

Many people don’t realize that adoption agencies routinely work in countries where they are not licensed by that government or where adoption is blatantly illegal.  Or, in some countries, a government will license a few agencies, but then dozens more unlicensed agencies will work “under” each licensed agency.

Up until this point, it has been extremely rare for the US government to shut down adoptions in a particular country, even if corruption is rampant.  They just haven’t had that power.  This new regulation would give them the authority to regulate which agencies (if any) work in a particular country.  This is needed and necessary.

2.  The new law would prevent agencies from paying orphanages for the care of children matched for adoption.

Imagine you are the manager of an orphanage in a third-world country where international adoption is booming.  Fundraising is difficult and time-consuming.  But every time a child in your orphanage is matched for adoption, you receive $300 a month until that child goes home (which can take up to a year).  Awesome!   What a great source of dependable funding….especially since most people in the country live on less than $2 a day!

This is a massive conflict of interest.  

When orphanages get paid for adoption, then why would they do to the more difficult work of reuniting children with their families?

When adoption becomes lucrative (especially in a poor country), then children become a commodity.  When children become a commodity, then orphanages go out and “search” for more children to fill their beds.

Sure, I get why adoptive parents are anxious for their referred children to have excellent care during the months they are waiting to bring them home.  But what they don’t realize is that many times these “mandatory donations” (now that’s an oxymoron!) are actually counter-productive.  Once greed and corruption sets in, that money is much less likely to actually go to their child’s care.  Money should never be a motivator for orphanages to participate in adoption.  If they can’t get their funding a different way, then they shouldn’t be caring for children at all.

Countries approved by the Hague convention already ban this practice–and for good reason.  I wholeheartedly approve our government’s decision to stop it across the board.

3. The new law would require more levels of accountability for agencies over the people that they work with (and pay) overseas.  This would also allow the US government to regulate what agencies are paying their overseas “partners.”

What most people don’t understand is that agencies must be accredited in the United States, which requires them to have certain standards for potential adoptive families, to have a certain level of financial transparency, etc.  But that accreditation only regulates the American side of adoption.  There are no regulations for what those agencies do in other countries.  They have absolutely no accountability for what they do–unless the other country regulates them.  But when these agencies come into a country with their massive money, the other country is pretty much going to let them do whatever they want.  And this is where corruption, abuse, child trafficking–etc–all run rampant.

This is why six US agencies (maybe more) are working to facilitate adoptions in Tanzania–despite the fact that international adoption isillegal here and that there is no way to license an agency in this country.

Honestly, I don’t know if this particular law is the answer to the problems in international adoption.  There are other parts to the law–like requiring parents to attend foster care classes in their state–that might not be good solutions.  But this I do know:  The US government needs to be able to regulate the activity of US agencies overseas–because no one else is.  Whether or not this law is the answer to that problem, I’m not sure.  But this conversation needs to happen.  And the international adoption community needs to listen.

I can hear the protest:  What if this means less children get adopted?  

I hear that, and I feel it.  What it means is that we need different solutions.  We need to understand that international adoption is a solution for a very small percentage of the world’s vulnerable children.  Maybe we need less adoption agencies and more “family reunification” agencies.  Maybe we need less orphanages and more community development programs.  Maybe instead of pushing foreign governments to allow Americans to adopt more of their children, we need to instead push them to promote domestic adoption.

Now that would be something worthwhile to fight for.

Today is 10 Months Exactly, and We Had Miracles Today

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On June 17, 2016

In Adoption

“I don’t want to go back to the Baby Home.”

Today is the first day of summer break.  I told the kids that I wanted to get an organized start to the summer, so we had pulled out all the toy bins and were sorting everything back where it belonged.  (I know, I know, I am that kind of boring Mom….but don’t worry, they got rewarded for their hard work.)

Anyway, it was in the middle of that mess that he said it.  Out of nowhere, in no context whatsoever, Johnny announced, 

“I don’t want to go back to the Baby Home.”

I stopped mid-toy.  I picked him up and asked, “So you want to stay here with us?”

“Yes,” he said decisively.  

It was one of those moments when time stood still.  

As I’ve written before, Johnny has done exceptionally well these last ten months.  He is an easy-going, fun-loving, absolutely adorable child.  But he still has been processing all the loss in his little four-year-old life.  So anytime he saw an airplane, or pictures of Forever Angels, or anytime I would tell him, “You are my Johnny,” he would tell me, “I want to go back to the Baby Home.”

We had the same conversation a hundred times.  I would explain to him that his friends aren’t at the Baby Home anymore, that they have grown up and moved away just like him, that he is with us now and that we will love him forever.  He never got upset about it, but his insistence on going back never wavered.

Until today.  Today, June 17th, exactly 10 months after he came home, Johnny decided that he wants to stay.  

As wonderful as that is, after that, it got even better.

After this brief exchange with Johnny, I turned to my other kids and told them the good news.  “Johnny just told me he doesn’t want to go back to the Baby Home!  He wants to stay with us!”  

Two of my children gave a whoop.  They understood the significance, and did a happy dance.  The third child, standing behind me, said,

“Mommy, there’s water coming out of my eyes.”

I turned and faced this child.  This child, eyes bright and brimming with tears, a face full of wonder and joy.  

This child.  

This child is the one who, out of my four, continues to fight the demons of the past, of an orphanage history that has left the heart broken.  This is the child who wrestles with fierce defensiveness, with uncontrollable emotion.  This is the child who has struggled most with Johnny joining our family, who would have happily sold him on ebay, or probably even given him away for free.  

I have despaired often over this child, who receives far more of my prayers than my other three, who at times seems to be so trapped in pain that it would be impossible to feel empathy towards others.  

Yet this is the one who was crying.  Crying with joy.  

I crouched near to this child. “Oh sweetie,” I said.  “Those are tears!  Those are happy tears!  Are you feeling happy that Johnny doesn’t want to go back to the Baby Home anymore?”  

“Yes!”  And a giggle.

Yes.

Yes!

I’ve got some water coming out of my eyes too.

Six Months

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On February 17, 2016

In Other

I’ve been eagerly anticipating Six Months.

Six Months means that the foster period is over; we can apply to go to court and adopt.  We signed the papers on Friday, and now we wait for our first court hearing that will make him officially a Medina.

But now that it’s here, I’m kind of sad.  Six months is half of a year.  Half of a year with this little guy, and it’s already gone.  I find myself clinging to his littleness.  Relishing the feel of his small hand in mine, laughing at the jumps and twirls that accompany four-year-old exuberance, squishing him into the toddler seat at the front of the shopping cart.  I already missed out on so much of his littleness, and now the rest is going by too fast.

It’s hard to believe that it’s been half a year, but the evidence is everywhere.  He’s grown two inches since he came home, and he’s losing his baby belly.  He’s already gone up into the next clothes size.  He knows our routines; he knows his neighborhood and the names of dozens of people and what it means when I tell him we are going to the store or the post office.  He can dress himself (usually backwards) and write his own name and put together three 50-piece puzzles that are all mixed together in the same box.

And though he’s got pretty much everyone wrapped around his little finger, he has learned what it means to be a son and a brother.  That means he’s gotten really good at whining and is not too shabby at holding his own in a fight.  His food tastes have become more particular than those first few weeks when he would eat anything.  He doesn’t need my cuddles as much any more, and I grab him for three-second hugs….I take what I can get.

But the old life is still there in his consciousness.  I tell him, I love you, Johnny.  I’m so glad you are my Johnny.   And often he looks thoughtful and pauses for a moment, and responds with, I need to go to the Baby Home.  I need to see my friends.  Because he knows that it was our love that took him from that life.

So I ask him, But what about Daddy?  And Grace and Josiah and Lily?  And he says, They can come to the Baby Home too.  

And I tell him (again) that his friends aren’t at the Baby Home anymore, that they have all grown up and gone to new places, just like he has.  That we want him to be with us and that he is ours now.  That he makes us happy and that we are a family.  He sleeps deeply at night and he laughs a lot, but it is actually the whining that shows me he knows I am his mom.

I revel in my four.  For so long we had thought there would only be three, yet the four of them fit together so perfectly.  Lily was more than willing to give up her position as the youngest, which she never liked to begin with.  And I love the unexpected blessing of watching the older three appreciate their brother’s littleness.  Last night at dinner, I told them, When I was buying onions today, Johnny asked, ‘Why you buying minions, Mom?’   He makes them laugh like no one else.  It used to be only Gil and I that would laugh at our kids’ antics, and now the big kids get in on it too.  Josiah regularly tells me, Mommy, I love having a brother!  There was no transition, as far as they were concerned; Johnny fit right into the hole that was always there in our family.

This morning I made my last trip to a social welfare office, at least, I think it was my last.  I needed to get one last report done.  It was long (as always); it took an hour each way and involved two hours of waiting once we got there.  Johnny had to come with me and he was a trooper; he played with his Matchbox car.  Another little boy sitting next to us found a piece of metal and pretended that was his car; the two boys zoomed around the cramped waiting space.  I stared at the cobwebs hanging long from the high ceiling and reflected on the dozens–hundreds?–of trips I had made to this office during the last ten years.  In many months, I made that trip twice a week.  I’m getting old now; I don’t think I could do that again.

Gil asked me today if I would have rather gone through the physical pain of labor rather than the daily-waiting-driving-work-sweat-hours-and-hours-of-time-over-months kind of pain.  I told him that I think that real labor pains would have been easier, since it’s awful but then it’s done in 24 hours.  It’s hard to compare when I haven’t experienced it.  But I do know that I wouldn’t trade my journey for anything.  When a child is the result, the pain is always worth it.

How To Get Everything You Want in Eight Easy Steps: A Guide for Children by Johnny Medina

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On February 7, 2016

In Adoption

Step 1:  Ensure you are the youngest of four children.  The youngest of 5 or more children would also be quite effective.  This is essential to getting everything you want.  If you aren’t the youngest of four, and you can’t finagle your parents into adopting you some older brothers and sisters, well then, tough luck.  This plan just won’t work for you.

Step 2:  Lisp.

Step 3:  When you go into a store, don’t ask for anything.  Instead, just act super excited about everything you like.  When your mom tells you to walk away, obey her, but look longingly over your shoulder at the item of your desire.

Step 4:  When you are sharing a bed with your big brother (since guests are in your own bed), crawl over to him, give him a big hug and kiss, and tell him how much you love him.

Step 5:  Be incredibly polite.  Say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and clean up your toys as soon as you are asked.  Tell your mom that you love her great food.

Step 6:  Attitude is everything.  When you see your mom first thing in the morning, treat her like a movie star.  Practice smiling a lot.  Here’s a good example:

Step 7:  When you do occasionally get in trouble, like for hitting (for example), and you lose your dessert (for example), don’t whine, complain, or throw a fit.  Instead, just put your head in your hands and cry big, sad, crocodile tears (as if your puppy died).  Your mom’s steadfast resolve that was unbreakable for her first three kids?  She’ll just about crack when she sees this.

Step 8:  Even better, do this in front of your grandmother.  She’ll be milquetoast.

And before you know it, you’ll have everything you want!  No one will possibly be able to resist your request for anything short of a million dollars.  Or a pony.

The End.

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