I’m All In

I’m pretty good at poker.

But that’s probably because I’ve never actually played with real money.  I doubt I’d be very good under those circumstances.

Because I am not a risk-taker.  I hate risks. 

And adoption?  Kind of risky.  But at least with my other three, I knew that as long as I persisted long enough, I would get my children.

This time, I have no idea.

I spent all day working on the adoption for that little guy.

It was a really rough day.  I wish I could vent about it, but it would not be very wise for me to do so here.  After all, this is a public blog. 

So let’s just say that after Meeting #1 with Person #1, I left the office in tears, broken-hearted and absolutely infuriated.  I immediately went up one more floor to try to meet with the Big Boss.  He was not in.  His secretary did not know when he would be in.  Tomorrow is a holiday, and next week he is going on vacation.  It’s December 8th, and I would not have another chance to talk to him until January.

I called Amy H. at Forever Angels, then I called our lawyer, and blubbered my way through those conversations.  We made a plan for January.

Since I was already downtown, I walked around, looking for some things I need for HOPAC’s Christmas Fun Day on Saturday.  I was looking for large sheets of plastic to make a Slip n’ Slide, and each shopkeeper kept directing me farther and farther down the street.  When I finally found it, bought it, and made it back to my car, another hour had past.

On a whim, I called the secretary again.  “He’s come back early!”  she told me.  “Come up now!”

So I ran back up the five flights of stairs.  And then I sat there outside his office and waited for two more hours while he was in another meeting.

We talked, I cried again, and he directed me to talk to yet another person, next week.  Someone who will be in the office.

Right before I left, he off-handedly mentioned that he wasn’t supposed to be in the office this afternoon.  He had been in a conference and been sent back early for another reason.

I was happy for that tiny reminder that God is in this.

And I need that, because this is riskier than any of my other adoptions.  I don’t know how this will end up.  So far, it doesn’t look good.  Yet I can’t seem to shake the conviction to keep going.  But I know already, based on my reaction to conversations today, that it will really, really hurt if we hit a dead end.

And I don’t like that. 

But I’m all in.

So here I go.