Category: What I’m Learning

How Do I Live As a Christian in America?

This was a first for me: I’ve read hundreds of books in my life, but I’ve never stopped a book halfway through and started back at the beginning. I was so struck by the significance of what I was reading. 

So you could say that Jake Meador’s What Are Christians For? Life Together at the End of the World made a notable impact on me. My husband will probably secretly tell you he’s sick of me talking about it.

First, some background. Until 2020, I hadn’t lived in the United States as an adult for more than a few months at a time. So I’ve had a lot to catch up on these last couple of years. And now that I’ve figured out the basics, like which are the best deals at Costco, how to pay my water bill, and how to navigate media-streaming (okay, well, Gil still has to do this for me), I’m ready to move on to deeper things like, “How do I live as a Christian in America?” 

Maybe this seems like a no-brainer, but I’ve spent an exorbitant amount of time thinking about it. Many missionaries languish back in the States, like life no longer has the meaning and purpose it did overseas. I wrestle with this but keep thinking: If I’m living the gospel anywhere I am, it shouldn’t feel that way.

Also, because I’ve lived out of the country for half of my life, I have the curse (and the blessing) of seeing things about my culture from a different perspective. I can’t listen to the commentary on Christian radio without mulling over how a Tanzanian friend might interpret it. I can’t go grocery shopping without thinking about how an African in poverty might judge what I buy.

In November, I wrote a piece for the EFCA blog called Swimming in the Stuff of America. It’s about my struggle to steward my extraordinary wealth as an American, and in my opinion, it’s one of the most important things I’ve written in 15 years of blogging. Top 5, probably. Yet some of the responses I received puzzled me – people who insinuated that I shouldn’t feel so bad – like I was struggling over nothing. 

Gil and I are co-teaching an adult class at church, and he recently asked the group to list some “acceptable sins” in America. Not a single person mentioned materialism or consumerism, and I just about fell off my chair because for me, that sin is squawking loudly with glaring blinking lights. 

Sometimes I feel like an alien, like I speak a different language that no one understands. And I wonder if I’m just completely crazy.

People Pleasing is a Shapeshifter

Several years ago, it dawned on me that I was no longer obsessed with other people’s approval.

I had grown strong enough in my identity as an image-bearer of God that I no longer craved constant affirmation. Of course, it was still nice when I got it, but I didn’t need it to validate my worth. I had attained the unattainable: I was no longer a People Pleaser. It felt freeing. I must be a pretty mature Christian. To God be the glory and all that good stuff. 

I did have a nagging problem though. From time to time, I found myself consumed with worries about how I might have offended or hurt someone. My brain has the knack of remembering exact conversations, some of which went back ten or twenty years.

If You Knew Me, You Would Say Much Worse

“An ISIS-inspired terrorist plowed into a group of seven bicyclists in Tajikistan on July 29, killing four of them. Two of the four killed were Americans, Jay Austin and Lauren Geoghegan, both 29, who had quit their jobs to embark on a biking tour of the world in July of 2017. Friends told the media that the couple wanted to meet new people and see new places, and that they had a strong belief in the goodness of human nature. ‘People, the narrative goes, are not to be trusted. People are bad. People are evil,’ Austin wrote. ‘I don’t buy it.’ He called evil ‘a make-believe concept.'”

(WORLD Magazine, September 1, 2018)

Jay and Lauren weren’t alone in this belief. In fact, the recent Ligonier Ministry’s survey found that over 50% of self-proclaimed evangelicals believe “Everyone sins a little, but most people are good by nature.”

If the oil light in your car goes on, you can cover it up with a piece of tape, but your engine will eventually explode. If the doctor says ‘cancer,’ it doesn’t really matter how fine you feel, you can only ignore it for so long.

And you can fervently believe that people are ‘good by nature,’ but the terrorists will still be plowing over bicyclists.

We live in a world where I have to make five-year-olds practice hiding in a closet in case someone wants to shoot them at school. And then I have to turn right around and do scheduling gymnastics so that one of those same five-year-olds isn’t left alone in a room with an adult during her piano lesson. The closet seems safe, until it’s not.

I’d like to divide the world into heroes and villains, with me as a hero, of course. I’d like to think that I would run into the burning building or offer to scuba dive (if I knew how to scuba dive) into the caves to save the young boys. It’s true there is something in human nature that rises to the occasion when the world needs a hero. Except, we’re kind of confused on what a hero is. A lot of Americans thought the guys who dropped bombs on Japan were heroes, but the Japanese thought otherwise. For that matter, a lot of people thought those guys who flew planes into buildings were pretty heroic as well.

Apparently the definition of heroism is pretty murky.

It is, however, a whole lot easier to see the evil out there than it is to see it in here. I mean, I would never kidnap a child to be a slave or rip open a pregnant woman or use human skin in science experiments. I would never machete my neighbor’s head or toss a disabled baby into a field or prostitute myself. I am, after all, a good person.

That is, as long as I am well-fed, well-rested, and feeling safe, fulfilled, and relaxed.

So if I figuratively bite someone’s head off when I am feeling the least bit tired, anxious, hungry, or stressed, what makes me think I wouldn’t be capable of the atrocities that revolt me? After all, I am of the same blood and bones as the the people who did (or do) commit such things.

Why then are we so very reluctant to acknowledge the sinful nature of mankind? Pick up a history book–any history book–and see how many times the oppressed, when given the opportunity, become the oppressors. Is it power that corrupts? Or is it possible that the corruption is already inside of us, just waiting for the right set of circumstances? That’s them, not me, we tell ourselves. But why? Why do we think we are any different?

And therein lies the heart of the matter. If we acknowledge the depravity of them, we must therefore acknowledge the depravity within. It’s much easier to just believe that we are all ‘good by nature.’ Because I know I’m really not that different from other people. So if I believe they’re good, then I can believe the same about myself.

We would rather cover up the oil light or ignore the cancer than believe the truth.

So we remain so hopeful. I’m only grumpy when I don’t have my coffee. My life will be better as long as I ignore the toxic people in it. Surely my child wouldn’t be capable of that, right? Surely that horrible thing won’t happen to my family, my city, my country….right? Surely we just need to lock up the bad guys, and then we’ll all be safe and happy.

But these days, we all know what happens next. As soon as we set our sights on the next “model of goodness”–be he pastor or doctor or judge or actor–it’s just a matter of time before we find him down in the mud.

When will we learn? Why is it so hard to just admit that even though we may not be as evil as we could be all of the time, all of us are capable of far more evil than we want to admit?

Or maybe it’s because of the severity of the solution. It’s one thing to stop at Walmart and buy five quarts of oil, it’s another thing when the doctor says, “You have a good chance of surviving, but it’ll take a year of chemo.” So when God tells us that the solution to our sin is found in surrendering our lives to Jesus, sometimes we would rather just cover up the oil light.

I get why those who want nothing to do with Jesus choose that option. But why….why, why, why do those of us who supposedly have tasted the sweetness of his grace, why do we believe the same way?

Christians should be the ones who understand the depravity of sin, so why do we continue to assume our leaders are above it? Why do we treat our Christian reputation as a crystal glass, something that we must continue to shine and polish and look pretty, while allowing rot to fester within? And when that rot comes to the surface, why do we hide it? Why on earth do we hide it?

We have the answer! We have the answer! We’ve been able to give the Sunday School answer since we were five years old: “Jesus died for our sins,” and yet we don’t live like it! 

If Jesus died for our sins, then we have nothing to hide. When sin comes to the surface, we have no reputations to protect. We have no one to blame. We have no excuses. We don’t need them! We can acknowledge with sincere gravity that our nature is evil….and that’s why Jesus died.

We don’t minimize the consequences, because we recognize that evil is real and we must advocate for justice. But we also always have hope of redemption. As much as we push for consequences, we don’t force the sinners to grovel forever in the mud, because we know there is hope in Jesus for any sinner.

Of course, grace feels scandalous. What? There’s grace available even for those monsters? Won’t that allow them to just keep doing it? But Paul anticipated that argument in Romans 6: Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Swimming in a sea of grace doesn’t mean that we have license to revel in sin. We root out sin–in ourselves, in our churches. Not as a means of controlling people. Not as a witch hunt; not in order to beat others over the head with it. But because we know it’s there. And we can’t deal with it by denying it’s existence.

What we often forget about these truths is that there is incredible, extraordinary freedom in understanding both sin and grace. The more I understand my sinful nature, the more I am living in reality. I am not surprised by how other people act or how I act. I am not disillusioned by what others are capable of.  I have freedom from shame. Freedom from the fear of discovery. Freedom from the weight of what other people think of me.

L.E Maxwell wrote, “The next time someone reproves you, just say, ‘You don’t know half the truth. If you knew me you would say much worse.’ This may help you into harmony with the Cross. It will at least be the truth.”

Sin and grace are symbiotic. The more we are aware of our sin, the more heavily we sink into grace. The more we sink into grace, the more we hate our sin. And that’s what gives us the catalyst for true change.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost, but now I’m found, was blind but now I see.

God Does Not Accept Me For Who I Am

God does not accept me for who I am

Our culture is obsessed with acceptance.  Have you noticed this?

Believe in yourself.  Be yourself.  Come as you are.  Accept people for who they are.  Don’t judge.  I felt judged.  I promise I won’t judge you.  I promise I wasn’t judging you.  Love yourself.  Don’t ever change.  Treat others the way they want to be treated.  

And perhaps you’ve even heard this one:  God accepts you for who you are.  Unconditionally.

That is a lie.  And if you believe it, it comes straight from your culture, not from your Bible.

God does not accept us for who we are.  He never has.  He cannot.  He literally cannot go against His perfect and holy nature and accept us for who we are.  In fact, the Bible says that we are enemies of God.  That we are children of Satan.  That we are at war with God.  That He despises our sin.

That is not acceptance.

But here is the hope:  While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Acceptance, no.  But love, yes.

The problem is that our society simply refuses to acknowledge the fact that we all are wretched sinners.  It’s ridiculous, really, because we watch the news at night and we discipline the children who are clawing each other’s eyes out and we shame the bullies and we are horrified at the racism and the raping and the riots, but then we think the answer to all of this is simply to…..accept one another?  Really?  Yet we do everything we can to tell ourselves that we’re really not all that bad, that we just need to build our self-esteem and get rid of the toxic people in our lives and practice better self-care, and then our lives will be grand.

Oh, I get it.  We’re all good people, deep down.  Sometimes really deep down.  At least I am, right? After all, I wouldn’t have been one of the millions of Germans who stood by and watched the ashes of six million Jews fall on my head.  It wouldn’t have been me who picked up a machete and murdered one million neighbors in Rwanda.

Seems to me that the deeper you go, the less goodness you find–not more.

It’s true that as a human made in the image of God, I am infinitely valuable.  But I have never been worthy of acceptance.  I am arrogant and selfish.  My patience level is directly connected to sleep and food and air temperature.  My heart is not naturally inclined to worship God.  Perhaps if God was a good-natured grandpa, partially blind and deaf, then he could find it in his heart to accept me.  But who would want to worship that kind of God anyway?

Jesus Christ died on the cross because God does not accept me.  It’s like the parent who loves his drug-addicted son so much that he cashes in his pension and sells his house to pay for his treatment.  That’s not acceptance; because what parent willingly accepts his child’s addiction?  But that is love.  Amazing love.  Sacrificial love.  Unconditional love.  Never-stopping, never-giving-up love.  But not acceptance.  We cannot confuse the two.

I cannot understand the cross until I understand that my sin is the reason it cost so much.  I cannot understand that cost until I come face-to-face with the truth that I Am Not Acceptable.  But He became Acceptable for me.  I was not acceptable, and yet I am loved in a way that is far beyond what I can ever understand.  And the more I understand my wretchedness, the deeper I understand His love.

I am now acceptable to God.  Not because of who I am, but because of what He has done.

The new morality in our culture bears the disguise of goodness.  Don’t we want people to just feel good about themselves?  Except that when we do that, we lie to ourselves.  We lie to our friends.  We lie to our children.  Often we make our sin worse because we refuse to deal with it–or even acknowledge it.  And certainly, we lose the power of the cross.  And that is a tragedy indeed.

“Till sin be bitter, Christ will not be sweet.” (Thomas Watson)

Related: Astonishingly Crazy

Confessions of a Good Girl

Seen outside a Tanzanian church.  Source here



Growing up, I was the poster child for Good Christian Girls.

Straight-A student?  Check.

Never listen to Madonna or watch 90210?  Check, check.

Don’t drink, smoke, or chew, or go with boys who do?  Check, check, check.

I tutored inner-city kids.  I helped to lead a Bible club for disabled teens.  My ambition was to become a missionary, for crying out loud.  I was oozing with goodness.

I’ve always liked rules.  Following them gives me a sense of control, a feeling of success, and eliminates pesky guilt.  Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.  I follow the speed limit.  I recycle.  I stay off the grass.  And for a long time, following the rules is how I tried to live out Christianity.

Until I started to realize that it really was just a big show.  I could be very good at putting on that happy, cheerful, servant-leadership face, while all the while I had a selfish spirit, sense of superiority, and sometimes downright hate snarling around in my heart.  Mix that together with a strong fear of people’s opinions and a good dose of anxiety, and you don’t have a very pretty picture.  To my horror, sometimes these attitudes even slipped out for other people to see.

There’s nothing worse for a Good Girl to realize than that she’s really not all that good after all.  There’s not a lot of options at that point.  What was I supposed to do?  Hide it?  Try harder?  Suppress the guilt?  Do penance?  None of those things are very satisfying.  And they certainly don’t fix the problem.

And no, I didn’t have a harsh upbringing, and I didn’t attend a legalistic church.  I actually grew up as a pretty happy person.  I just knew that there was a big disconnect between the person I showed to the world, and who I actually was.

Thankfully, the truth of Grace swept into my life in college.  It was something I had known all my life; it had been staring me right in the face, but I had looked in a thousand other directions before I fell deeply into it’s glory.

And oh!  What a blessed relief, what a glorious rest, to slowly come to the realization that I was not only saved by grace, but sustained by grace, and held by grace.  Following the rules may have spared me a lot of heartache, but they did not, could not, change my heart.

I’m glad I came to this understanding before getting married, because being a wife and a mom has just reinforced what a wretchedly awful person I am capable of being.  At the beginning, I desperately yearned for a checklist of rules that would make me a good wife and mom, but as time went on, I was really glad there wasn’t.  I would have failed miserably.

Readers have often commented to me that they are thankful…surprised, maybe?…at my honesty about my weaknesses and failings.  But the truth is, I am tired of being seen as the Good Girl.  Been there, done that.  It’s impossible, and it’s exhausting.  I would much, much rather live in grace.

Living in grace means that when I screw up, I’m not only forgiven, but I have the power to change.   It means reveling in the joy of knowing that I never have to earn God’s favor–I already have it.  It’s means that when I do something right, it’s all because of Him.  If there’s anything good that comes out of me, it’s because I have first breathed in His grace.

So why then should I be afraid of being open about who I really am?  I, in myself, am nothing.  I, on my own, am just a show.  I would not, could not, ever have been good enough.  There’s something deeply vulnerable about blogging, about putting myself out there for anyone to see….and criticize.  But I remind myself that if anyone does think negatively about me, well, it’s probably true anyway.  If I am living in grace, I have nothing to fear.

If I let you think I’m that Good Girl, then it is only Amy Medina who gets the attention.  I’m just another really great, religious rule-follower who makes the rest of humanity feel bad about themselves.  No wonder the world would mock me if I fell.  But if I let you see who I really am, then–and only then–can you see the gospel at work in my life.  Only then can you possibly see Jesus.

And that’s pretty much what grace is all about.  What I’m all about.

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