Author: Amy Medina Page 46 of 233

Selfishness is Confusing

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On September 15, 2018

In What I'm Learning


We are told to be selfish. Take care of ourselves. Don’t let other people walk all over us. Make room for Me-Time. Do what’s best for ourselves and our lives, not what’s best for everybody else.

But in the same breath, we are told to stay away from selfish people, because they will destroy us.

Be selfish, but avoid selfish people. Awesome.

No wonder our culture’s got this epidemic of loneliness. No wonder we’ve got covered-up racism bubbling up to the surface all over the place. And a skyrocketing suicide rate and school shootings and hidden abuse stories.

Which is probably why we’re all so confused on the topic of selfishness. Because, sure, it’s easy to tell the abusers and the racists to stop being so selfish, but what about the wounded wife or the family of the murdered teenager?

What got me thinking about this is our theme verse at HOPAC this year–Philippians 2:3-4. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourself, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others.  

I stood in front of all my precious students, squirming in their green plastic assembly chairs while the morning sun streamed onto the covered court. I know their stories, some of them intimately, from many eye-to-eye solemn talks. I know which ones are the bullies and which ones are bullied. I know the ones who have (or are) experiencing trauma. I know the peace-loving ones who always follow the rules and will always concede in a conflict.

Does Philippians 2:3-4 speak to all of them?

We want to divide everyone into one of two categories: Abuser or Victim. One is Bad and one is Good. One receives our scorn and one our sympathy. But is human nature that simple? Didn’t most abusers start out as victims?

We must cling to Twin Truths: I am made in the image of God, therefore I am infinitely valuable. Yet I am selfish to the core.

Imago Dei. I am made in the image of God. Christ loved me enough to die for me, which is an extraordinary love and has proven my extraordinary value.

Yet.

I am selfish to the core. I am consumed with myself–defending myself, feeling good about myself, justifying myself. Being understood, being successful, being fulfilled. Being pain-free, being comfortable, being independent. I am self-seeking, self-pleasing, self-boasting, self-excusing, self-conscious, self-indulgent. Most of the time, life is pretty much about me; I’ve just gotten good at hiding it. I can’t speak for everyone, but especially when I’m particularly depressed or anxious, I’m also particularly self-centered.

Twin Truths: I am valuable, and I am selfish. Lean too heavily on one truth over the other, and my life is out of balance.

Imago Dei means I needn’t cower under abuse or injustice. I can have courage in the face of oppression; I don’t need to allow people to manipulate me; I don’t need the good opinion of others to give me confidence.

But recognizing my innate selfishness is equally important. Without daily, conscious recognition of the grace of God, I will choose myself every time.

I’ve never liked the term self-care because it gives me too much room for selfishness. I prefer stewardship. My body, my time, my health–all are God’s, because God has given me value. If I am going to live to glorify him, then I must take care of what he has given me. So that will often mean trusting God by saying yes to rest or health and saying no to duty-driven perfectionism. For some who find themselves in unjust situations, it may mean fighting or running, and that’s not necessarily selfish.

But we must always keep in mind those two Twin Truths. Jesus appeared on the Jewish scene during a time of intense governmental oppression. But what did he teach? Turn the other cheek. Walk the extra mile. Deny yourself. Sometimes Jesus was so tired he fell asleep on a capsizing boat. Other times he deliberately went away by himself. But we know with certainty that he was never selfish.

This is tricky, because sometimes we can look like we are wearing ourselves out for the kingdom of God, but all that effort is really about us or about what others think about us. On the other hand, it’s also really, really easy to ignore or justify our laziness or self-centeredness in the name of self-care or self-pity. The balance is somehow found in our pursuit of knowing God and knowing our own hearts.

Whenever we find that our religious life is making us feel good–above all, better than someone else–I think we may be sure that we are being acted on, not by God, but by the devil. The real test of being in the presence of God is, that you either forget about yourself altogether or see yourself as a small, dirty object. It is better to forget about yourself altogether. –C.S. Lewis

When you put it that way, it’s not confusing at all.

Read These Books

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On September 1, 2018

In Book Recommendations

Winds of War and War and Remembrance by Herman Wouk

Nothing like getting to the end of a thousand page book only to find out it’s part one of two, and the second one is even longer. I guess that’s the downside of using a Kindle.

But honestly, I’m really glad I didn’t know these books were so long, and that there were two of them. That would have scared me off before I even started, and I’m really glad I read them. It took me six months to get through both, and I found myself bummed at the end that I was saying goodbye to the Henry family.

I’d learned about World War II in school, and I’ve read lots of novels over the years that took place during that time. But these books took me into World War II. The length of these books offered something else as well–a sense of how long World War II really was for the people who lived through it, and how massive the war actually was. The books travel through Berlin, London, Pearl Harbor, Singapore, Midway, Russia, Poland, England and Washington DC, all through the eyes of one American military family. I learned a ton and enjoyed my way through it. Highly recommended.

(Profanity sprinkled throughout, and adultery is a major plot line–though not explicitly or without consequences.)

Unveiling Grace by Lynn Wilder

This is the story of a woman who left Mormonism after 35 years, during which she was also a Brigham Young University professor I don’t know many Mormons, but Mormonism has interested me for a long time. Probably because I would have made a really good Mormon in my younger years–squeaky clean, really great at following the rules, earnest and passionate. In fact, part of what makes this book valuable to evangelical Christians like me is that we can very easily fall into the same traps of legalism that bind Mormons. As the title suggests, it was encountering the beauty of God’s grace that changed everything for the author and her family.

This book is a little long-winded so parts of it dragged, but still a very interesting and profitable read.

Different by Sally and Nathan Clarkson

Sally Clarkson, who has written many books on parenting and home life, co-writes this book with one of her sons. Nathan was an incredibly challenging child–extremely OCD, ADHD, defiant and argumentative. This is the story of their journey as mom and son, and parents of all kinds of kids will be encouraged and inspired by it.

The House at Sugar Beach by Helene Cooper

I have no idea why it took me so long to read this book. It’s a memoir of growing up in Liberia, a place that haunts my dreams and felt like home for a long time–so I should have read it years ago.

Liberia’s history gets ignored a lot of the time–maybe because it doesn’t fit the common racial narrative. In the 1800’s, freed American slaves agreed to be sent back to Africa to start an American colony. And so Liberia was born–by pointing guns at the native people. The Black American colonizers kept a stronghold on the government and most of the economy for decades until 1980, when a military coup of native Liberians took over. They murdered the ruling party and destroyed the economy, and in 1989, the country was plunged into a tribal civil war for 15 years that could only be described as a living hell. Meanwhile, many of the Americo-Liberians, now thrown out of power, migrated to the United States.

The House at Sugar Beach is the story of one privileged Americo-Liberian girl and her native Liberian friend, who for a time lived side-by-side–until everything in their lives changed. Even those with no connection to Liberia will love this very well-written, witty, fascinating story about a little-known part of history.

The Very Worst Missionary: A Memoir or Whateverby Jamie Wright

Jamie Wright is either famous or infamous in missionary circles, depending on who you talk to. The blog she kept during her five years in Costa Rica was known for being blunt, transparent, and hysterically funny. This memoir can be described in the same way, but goes deeper into her story. Jamie is not afraid to ask the hard questions or expose the hard truth, and I’ve always appreciated her for that.

I don’t agree with a lot of Jamie’s theology or her conclusions, and I’m not into the whole profanity-on-every-page thing that she is known for. But I think that what she has to say is important, and that missionaries should read the book. We need to think through what she says and what our response should be. I wrote mine here.

Day One

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On August 30, 2018

In Other

I stood in front of the class of kindergarten students on the first day of school, really confused. I had been the one who had invited these children to join the school, but something was wrong. They were much older than I remembered; some of them even had facial hair. Way too old to be in kindergarten.

Plus, their parents kept hanging around in the classroom, and flat out refused to leave. I kept trying to tell them that I needed them to go, but I had this enormous wad of gum in my mouth that prevented me from talking properly. Every time I would try to take some of the gum out, more would take its place.

Then I woke up. And it really was the first day of school.

Thankfully, despite those infamous “teacher nightmares” that have plagued me most of my life (even during the years I wasn’t teaching), our first day of school was wonderful. (And, just for the record, the kindergartners were actually the appropriate age and their parents graciously left the room–with only a few tears–when I asked them to.)

Is My Life Just Getting Started? Thoughts on Fulfillment

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On August 25, 2018

In Other

2010

Back in the summer of 2005, when Gil and I were making plans to return to Tanzania, I got a phone call from the man who had been hired as the new director at Haven of Peace Academy. The elementary school principal had just stepped down, and the director wanted to know if I would be interested in the position. I thought about it a couple of days, sent a few emails back and forth, but never really seriously considered it. We had plans to start our family. I wanted to be a mom.

Now that I actually am a principal at HOPAC, I’ve thought about that phone call a number of times this year.

These days, I pinch myself because I can’t believe that I get to do what I am doing. In some ways, it feels like my life has just gotten started. So this is what fulfillment feels like. I could have been doing this for the last thirteen years. Why did I wait so long?

I think over the previous ten years when I spent the majority of my time with my kids, and how restless I felt during those years. I wasn’t the kind of mom who delighted in coming up with crafts and treasure hunts for my little ones. The days often felt like they would never end, and I would count the minutes until nap time so that I could write a blog or work on an on-line class. Being patient and attentive was a deliberate, moment-by-moment, conscious decision. It usually didn’t come naturally and I often failed. And to be honest, it didn’t feel particularly fulfilling. A lot of the time, it just felt long and boring.

This isn’t about the whole debate between working moms and stay-at-home-moms, because I fully understand that it’s a nuanced discussion, and for many women, they don’t have a choice. But I do wonder–how hard should we run after fulfillment? It’s amazing to get there, but is it everything? Should I have said yes to being principal thirteen years ago? Would I have been happier those thirteen years?

Maybe I would have. Adult conversations and building up a school is a lot more fun than wiping spit-up and listening to Dora the Explorer or wrangling a two-year-old while trying to grocery shop. It’s a lot more satisfying to tell people I’m a principal than trying to explain that my profession is “mom” or “I help my husband with his job.”

But is it everything? Should I have put a greater value on seeking my own fulfillment? That’s the question. Was there value in being relatively insignificant and invisible all those years? Was there significance to what I was doing even if it didn’t feel that way?

I look back and I think there was. Bringing my kids home was practically a part-time job in itself during those years. In those days, my labor pains happened through hours of Dar es Salaam traffic as I made weekly trips to social welfare offices. It was arduous, but it was worth it. And once they did come home, giving my kids the stability that they craved, spending hours, days, months bonding–all of it was worth it.

And I did do more than just stay home with my kids. I baked endless cupcakes for teenagers, I had the time to help new missionaries get settled, I helped to build up HOPAC–even if it was just behind the scenes. And in those years of restlessness, I learned that wrestling with contentment can be more valuable than years of fulfillment. That in dying to my own desires, I learned to live.

I want to remember that, because I also know that fulfillment is fleeting. Our future in Tanzania is uncertain, and despite how much I love what I am doing, I don’t know how long I’ll get to do it. It’s quite possible that someday in the near future, I’ll end up as a stay-at-home-mom again, needing to homeschool my kids. And if that happens, I don’t want the thirst for fulfillment to cloud my vision of what is more important.

2018-2019 HOPAC Staff

When Feelings Are Sovereign: Two Books About the Body

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On August 13, 2018

In Book Recommendations

When I was a young girl, I had a phobia of crossing streets. I would avoid it whenever possible, even if that meant walking much farther away. When it was absolutely necessary to cross a street, I would cling to whoever I was with as if my life depended on it.

I was kind of a wimpy kid, so I just figured that this phobia reflected my general cautiousness. Most people were braver than me, I thought.

When I was about twelve, my mom casually referred to a story of how I was almost hit by a car when I was two. I was immediately interested, which surprised my mom because she thought I had remembered it. So she told me the story in detail, of how a car was speeding on a residential street and had to slam on the brakes to avoid hitting me. I was fine, but my mom, the driver, and myself were all in tears.

Not long after hearing the story, I realized that my paranoia of crossing streets had disappeared completely. Understanding the cause of the phobia was all my brain needed to get rid of the fear. Though I didn’t know it at the time, it was my first experience with the effect that trauma can have on the brain.

I realize that this example of trauma is, relatively speaking, pretty insignificant. The older I am, the more I realize how unusual it was that I grew up in a stable, loving home and rather ignorant of the abuse or neglect that so many children experience.

But becoming an adoptive mom propelled me into the world of trauma and trying to understand it, which is what led me to read The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Dr. Van der Kolk delves deep into the research of how trauma (especially in childhood) fundamentally changes the brain. “[Trauma] changes not
only how we think and what we think about, but also our very capacity to think.”

This fascinating book was incredibly useful to me as an adoptive mom, helping me to understand more fully what is going on in my children’s brains and what is causing some of their behavior. For example, “Children who don’t feel safe in infancy have trouble regulating their moods and emotional responses as they grow older.” Aha! Just that statement alone explains a lot about a child of mine.

This book gave me significantly more empathy towards friends who have experienced trauma. And even though I wouldn’t describe myself as a traumatized person, it helped me to understand more about my own emotions. “No matter how much insight and understanding we develop, the rational brain is basically impotent to talk the emotional brain out of its own reality.” Yes! I’ve experienced that.

Interestingly, the author explains that the key to developing emotion regulation is in the physical body–by using the mind to be more aware of what is happening in the body when our emotions are out of control. And that by doing so, remarkably, we can actually re-wire our own brains.

It sounds to me a lot like the “renewing of your mind” in Romans 12:2. This is not a Christian book. But what I found especially interesting is that in trying to explain the mysterious connections between brain/mind/body, the author couldn’t help but using (what I would consider) spiritual vocabulary:

“[R]ather than being a passive observer, this mindful Self can help reorganize the
inner system and communicate with the parts in ways that help those parts trust that there is someone inside who
can handle things.”

“There is something very empowering about having the experience of changing your brain’s activity with your
mind.”

What is the Self? What is the Mind? It’s certainly not a biological entity. Could it be, perhaps, the immaterial Imago Dei, the part of ourselves that the Bible would call the Soul?

This concept also begs the question–if the Soul and the Body, working together, are able to re-wire–literally change the biology–of our brains in order to recover from trauma, then why then does our culture tell us that we must give in to our emotions, “follow our hearts,” in order to find personal fulfillment? Why is the key to conquering traumatic experiences lie in connecting our mind with our body, but when it comes to sexuality, personality, and gender expression, we are supposed to ignore our physical bodies?

It was these questions that I took into my next book, Love Thy Body: Answering Hard Questions about Life and Sexuality by Nancy Pearcey.  And I was fascinated by how, even though The Body Keeps the Score and Love Thy Body are written on very different topics and on very different premises, they speak to each other.

Even though Nancy Pearcey never references Dr.Van der Kolk, she takes his concepts to their logical end: If we are able to use our mind and body to change our feelings, why do we consider our feelings to be sovereign in our lives–even over our own bodies?

“The body has become a morally neutral piece of matter that can be manipulated for whatever purposes the self may impose on it—like pressing a mold into clay or stamping Lincoln’s profile on a copper penny,” Pearcey writes. She explains how current cultural ideas about unborn life, sexuality, gender, and family all come down to a very low view of the physical body, which leads to an extremely fractured view of the Self….which, ironically, is exactly what trauma therapy strives to fix.

It’s interesting how willing I am to apply Van der Kolk’s research when I am feeling afraid or anxious, because I want to control unpleasant feelings. But what about happiness that is actually rooted in selfishness? What about jealousy or bitterness–emotions that are easy to relish? If I can use my body and my soul to rewire uncomfortable emotions, why not others as well–emotions that the Bible would call ‘sin?’ Pearcey writes, “We do not choose our feelings, but we do choose our behavior and identity.”

She doesn’t parse Scripture in her arguments–that’s not what this book is about. She uses biblical worldview–the over-arching, big-picture view of life presented throughout the Bible–to explain the significance of our biological bodies. “In one sense, our bodies even have primacy over our spirits. After all, the body is the only avenue we have for expressing our inner life or for knowing another person’s inner life. The body is the means by which the invisible is made visible.”

Pearcey also explains how the roots of the mind-body dualism that is so prevalent in our culture traces back to Rousseau. Worldviews all come from somewhere, and ideas have consequences. She writes, “Humans are not self-creating, self-existent, self-defining beings. We all look to outside sources to inform us about who we are and how we should live. We look for a rule or grid to help us decide which feelings and impulses are good versus those that are unhealthy or immoral and should be rechanneled.” Where is my grid coming from? Rousseau? Or the Bible?

I don’t fully understand all of this. I am not a doctor or a psychologist or a scientist. I’m just a thinker asking questions. So if you challenge me on these thoughts, I’m not sure I’ll have the answers. If this fascinates you, read these books. Seriously, read these books, and read both of them together. Then let’s have a conversation.

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