I pray that this country would be a safe place, that a gunman won’t shoot up my grocery store or my kids’ school, that bad guys in here would be put behind bars and bad guys out there would keep their nuclear weapons to themselves. I pray that we would have leaders with integrity who love freedom and unborn babies and poor people. I pray that earthquakes and droughts and hurricanes will keep their distance, and that America will prosper and flourish.
And more importantly,
I pray that the gospel of Jesus Christ will take root in this land. I pray that millions will bow their knees and give praise to their Creator. I pray for revival, for regeneration, for transformation.
But what if, in order to answer the more important prayer, God must allow
gunmen
nuclear weapons
financial collapse
natural disasters
What if these are the means of answering the more important prayer?
So, even though it scares me, I must pray, Your will be done.
I chose not to tell you the details as they were emerging, mostly because we had already had our hopes dashed before and because there were many times in the process when we weren’t sure it would go through. But it did, and here we are.
It feels kind of like a small miracle. The housing market is crazy right now, at least it is in our area. Our realtor told us that houses were selling in a day, usually for over the asking price. So when we got our loan pre-approved in January, we started looking right away, figuring it would take awhile before we found something that worked for our budget. This was the first house we looked at. We saw it a day after it went on the market, and we put in an offer the day after that. Since we had several months to think about where we wanted to live and what kind of house we were looking for, we knew that this one checked all the boxes.
We didn’t think we would get it, but we did. There were multiple offers, and we weren’t the highest offer, but for some reason the seller decided to invite us to meet the higher offer anyway. I have no idea why, other than God’s kindness.
Grace, who is 15, told me about a conversation she had with an old friend. “She asked me how my year had been going,” Grace said. “And I told her about all the new things in my life and the things that have changed.” Suddenly her face crumpled. “And I realized, I’ve been through a lot, haven’t I?”
Yes, my girl, you have been through a lot.
The earth has made its way around the entirety of the sun since last March, which means we are headed towards all the anniversaries. March 13–the last day I was on campus with my students. March 19–the day we were told we had to leave. March 25–the day we left Tanzania. The emotional impact of each of those days left a yawning hole that has yet to be filled.
I don’t like remembering it. I’ve related the story of March 2020 to friends several times; I’ve re-read the account I wrote. It doesn’t take much to pull me back into the grief and bewilderment and shock all over again. I wonder how long it will take before I can think about it without feeling it.
Gil and I had lived in Tanzania for about a year when missionary friends asked us to house-sit (and dog-sit) for a couple of nights. These friends lived in a large, two story house that they often used to host teams, so it felt like a vacation for us.
We spent the day watching movies from their VHS collection (this was 2002!), and went to bed that night in the downstairs corner room that our hosts had set up for us. Their Schnauzer dog, Stanley, was on the second floor landing, sleeping in his crate.
At around 5:00 the next morning, I was awakened by the distinct sound of metal scraping against metal. The kitchen door was adjacent to our bedroom, and very clearly, I could hear the iron security grate screeching open.
My heart stopped. What I had been dreading was actually happening: We were experiencing an invasion robbery.
We knew a number of friends who had experienced this terror. A gang of thieves entered their homes in the middle of the night, tying up the family, sometimes injuring them, while they robbed the house of its valuables. For the whole year we had lived in Tanzania, I had been terrified that this might happen to us. Now it was.
I thought I was doing fine, and then I watched The Office episode in Season 7 when Michael leaves, and found tears leaking out of my eyes all over the place. And Gil looked at me bewildered, and I choked, “I had to say goodbye to an office too!” So I guess I’m not always doing fine.
I didn’t just inhabit Tanzania; it inhabited me. The humidity settled in my hair, frizzing it out, it dwelt in my skin; I never needed lotion. The tropical sun beat down on me most days of the year; I look at my wrists and neck now, places I didn’t regularly wear sunscreen, and I see that my skin has aged more than my 44 years deem appropriate. My legs and feet were accustomed to sandals and skirts almost every day, not jeans and socks like today. The words I spoke were different–not just when I used Swahili, but my English vocabulary too. My muscles were trained in different patterns; the rough ground I walked on, the way I drove, my routine in the grocery store.
I suppose it’s understandable, then, why I have felt disoriented for so long. My body was yanked out of Tanzania, but for a long while, Tanzania still dwelt in me. It’s not just my mind that has needed reorienting, but my body as well.
In Tanzania, I spent many hours at my tiny kitchen sink, washing dishes. I would stare out the screened window into our backyard watching the dogs and the crows and the occasional chicken. There wasn’t much of a view, mostly just the top of the underground water tank and a cement wall that surrounded the yard. But fuchsia bougainvillea grew on that wall, and several coconut trees towered behind it, their papery leaves rustling in the wind.
It was such a very, very familiar sight to me for many years. I looked out that window when Josiah was two years old, whining at my knee, and when he was twelve years old, making a peanut butter sandwich next to me. Last year, I can remember looking out that window and wondering what it would be like to not look out of it anymore. It was hard to imagine.
My life in Tanzania went on for so long that for a long time, I couldn’t visualize the end of it. Life beyond Tanzania seemed like a fuzzy black hole, out of focus.
