The secret to finding human flourishing might not be what we imagined.
“Americans fight over food.”
Dorothy and Aishi sat in our living room in Tanzania, the summer after their freshman year of college in the States, eyes wide with incredulity. We had known these girls since they were ten years old, and though they were Tanzanian, they had grown up at our international school, so their accents and mannerisms could have passed them for American. Yet at heart, they had Tanzanian values, and their first foray into American culture made that very apparent.
“The girls in our dorm got into big fights over food,” they told us, appalled. “If you touched someone else’s food, it was a huge deal.”
As Tanzanians, they were bewildered by this. In Tanzania, all food, at all times, is for sharing. Hoarding or hiding a secret stash was completely unconscionable. In Tanzania, it’s rude to eat in front of someone else without offering to share it with anyone around you, even if it’s your own personal lunch.
Tanzanians share. Full stop.
Maybe that’s part of the reason new research shows they are happier than Americans. Apparently, it doesn’t matter that the average yearly income for a Tanzanian household is $2,000 and the average income for an American household is $80,000. Apparently, money doesn’t buy happiness. Which, of course, we already knew. But did we?
The Global Flourishing Study, “a groundbreaking five-year longitudinal study of over 200,000 adults across 22 countries” just published some astonishing data, some of which states that Tanzania, one of the world’s poorest countries, has a higher average composite flourishing score than many affluent countries such as the US, Sweden, Germany, and Japan.
Christians, invite people into your home this summer.
Why?
Because America has a loneliness epidemic. Almost thirty percent of Americans feel lonely; the younger they are, the more lonely they feel, and the rates keep rising every year. “In short, there is no statistical record of any other period in U.S. history when people have spent more time on their own.” Loneliness increases anxiety, depression, dementia, and heart disease. It’s as bad for life expectancy as smoking fifteen cigarettes a day.
This is not okay. This summer, let’s declare war on loneliness!
God created us for community, to be known, share burdens, and depend on each other. We can’t love people if we don’t spend time together. We can’t practice the fruit of the Spirit if we’re not in each other’s business. We can’t meet each other’s needs if we don’t know what they are.
And in hyper-individualistic America, it doesn’t happen without intentionality. This is where hospitality comes in: Seek to show hospitality. (Romans 12:13) Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. (1 Peter 4:9)
What was one reason the Early Church was so extraordinary? Because they ate together daily in each other’s homes. (Acts 2:46)
We can do this. Let’s do this! And summer is the perfect time – no homework, no sports, more daylight.
Here’s what works for me:
Plan ahead. If I don’t plan, it usually doesn’t happen. Occasionally, the stars will align, and I’ll spontaneously decide in the afternoon that I have the availability, energy, and ingredients to have someone over that night. But then it takes four text messages to find people who are also free. It doesn’t always work. Planning in advance is the key: Looking ahead in my calendar to decide on open dates. Making a grocery list ahead of time. Lighting a fire under the kids in the morning to pick up their stuff (Trust me, this part is an extra perk to hospitality!).
Make a list of people. Maybe this is weird, but it works. In my planner, I keep a running list of people I want to invite over. Neighbors. The kids’ soccer coaches. New people we met at church. And friends, of course. This way, when I have an open date, I already know who to call.
Keep it simple. I’m not a fancy party person. I keep a list of meals to make for guests so that I don’t suffer from decision stress. Often, it’s a burrito bar or a pasta bar. Both are super easy to adapt for vegan or gluten-free diets. I like to cook from scratch, but neither option requires much cooking at all if that’s not your thing. Both can be easily adapted for small or large groups.
I hope you know you also have permission just to order pizza. Who cares? It’s not about impressing people, it’s about spending time with people. Or just do dessert and games. Chocolate fondue in a mini crock pot (Chocolate chips and heavy cream, done. Chop up apples and strawberries, pull out pretzels and marshmallows. You’ll impress people – never mind what I just said.)
Also, nobody cares if your house isn’t perfectly decorated or perfectly clean. That’s not what this is about. In fact, sometimes a non-perfect house is more comfortable than a perfect one.
Hospitality is a discipline. I don’t always “feel like it.” Opening my home is vulnerable. What if they think I’m weird? What if they just feel obligated to say yes? What if I burn something (again)? I must push past fears of awkwardness or rejection.
Because you know what usually happens instead? We get to hear an incredible story of redemption. We make new friends. We bask in the warmth of old friends. We laugh a lot. It’s fun. It’s beautiful. It’s living the way we were created to live, a glimpse of eternity in the midst of a strenuous journey.
Learning to lean into the opportunities for humility
In childhood Sunday School classes, we sang “Humble Thyself in the Sight of the Lord” in a perfect two-part round that sent chills down my spine, but I don’t ever remember any teacher ever teaching on humility. The Fruit of the Spirit, yes. Being loving, courageous, evangelistic – check, check, check.
Humility was a sort of mystery to me. You could achieve it by being Not Proud, but that was just as nebulous and abstract. So I just don’t brag about myself? Doesn’t sound too hard. I vaguely remember absorbing the concept that If you are humble, you won’t know that you are. Not exactly a measurable life goal.
So I find it fascinating that there seems to be a growing awareness in our culture – and not just among Christians – that humility is a valuable virtue. I recently read Tempered Resilience, which emphasized the necessity of humility in leadership. Then I read The Ideal Team Player, which emphasized (you guessed it!) humility in being the (you guessed it!) ideal team player. And super-popular speaker Brene Brown talks about it all the time.
It seems that I’m not the only one waking up to the significance of humility.
This book is a gift to adoptive parents. Certainly, launching children into the adult world isn’t easy on any parent, but adoption brings unique challenges to this stage of life. Leveling Up is written by two adoptive moms (whose children gave their blessing to the book) and is full of practical advice and personal stories. Strengthening your relationship with your kids is the top priority, and because of that, this book is full of hope. It was a wonderful encouragement to me.
This delightful book for kids is entertaining and thought-provoking for adults too! It’s an animal story, but these animals are quite philosophical, and Eggers is brilliantly talented in giving them a voice. Few books have made me literally laugh out loud…but this one did. I read it myself and am now reading it to Johnny, who is thirteen. Great for all ages – note it does have an interesting spiritual component that could provoke some good discussions with older kids.
I read this one with my work team, since our job is to bring new missionaries into ReachGlobal. Lencioni identified three virtues–humble, hungry, and smart–that every great team member must possess. His insight is super valuable, but I especially enjoyed that he wrote this book as a novel, making it a quick and engaging read.
Whoa–this was fascinating. Wilson documents key events in 1776 that transformed our world forever. This is one of those books that actually changed the way I think, because it caused me to consider world events, moral standards, and worldviews through the lens of how the world metamorphosed in such a short period of time, less than 300 years ago.
This novel has it all – brilliant writing, engaging characters, unique plot, satisfying ending. Though it takes place during a dark time in Russian history, Towles’s ability to write in a light-hearted, captivating way means that the story doesn’t feel despairing. It’s redemptive, fun, educational, and clean (although a bit of innuendo).
Movies:
Lars and the Real Girl This is one of those movies that has a weird premise, but stick with it and find yourself surprisingly moved. At its heart, it’s about a community loving a broken young man into wholeness. Kids will be bored by it, teenagers will think it’s too weird, but young adults (or actual adults) who give it a chance may love it – as I did.
The Evangelical Orphan Movement Grows Up by Jedd Medefind Christianity Today may give you a paywall for this one, so I hope you can read it. Those of you who have read my blog for many years know that I started out naively supporting this movement until I saw the dark side for myself. I loved this summary of how the orphan movement started and where it is today, because it reflects my journey as well.
Parenting the Stranger in My House by Wendy Kiyomi I read this one a couple of years ago and recently came upon it again. It’s one of the best, most beautiful, most helpful things on adoption that I’ve encountered. If you have adopted children or love someone who has, please read this.
“Considering adoption through the lens of hospitality anticipates a real encounter with suffering and offers a means of accounting for it. The primary movement of adoption is not away from brokenness but toward it; adoptive parents give it room at the very heart of their homes. Practitioners of biblical hospitality expect to suffer because they continually lay their lives down “in little pieces and small acts of sacrificial love and service,” writes Pohl. This costly calling is compassion, literally “co-suffering,” in which parents begin to bear not only their children’s old pain but also the pain that results from a new configuration of vulnerable, fallen individuals.”
The Prosperity Gospel We Sometimes All Believe In by Tim Challies “There is a version of the prosperity gospel that we can all believe in and it goes something like this: “God, I gave my life to you, and in exchange I expect you to make my life easy. I may not need riches or opulence, perfect health or abundant wealth, but I would like ease. And if you take that ease from me, I may just assume that your feelings for me have altered or your love for me has waned. I may even regret following you. Please, just keep my life easy.”
I love gardening, and a friend asked me what kinds of things she should plant at her new house.
“It depends on how much time you want to devote to a garden,” I told her. “I love my flowers, but they are a lot of work. If you don’t enjoy the process, it won’t happen.”
And I listened to myself say these words and contemplated how that’s true about a lot of things.
I’ve been asked several times for advice about starting a blog. “Don’t bother if you don’t love writing,” I tell them. This doesn’t mean that writing isn’t a discipline. There are plenty of times that I have to pick myself up by the scruff of the neck and force my fingers to start moving. But I want to write. I am motivated to do it. So I find the time.
We can complain that there’s never enough time, but the truth is that we find time for what is most important to us.
