ABC’s new reality show, “Find My Family,” helps adopted kids (who are now adults) find their birth parents, and birth parents find the kids they put up for adoption. When I heard the premise, first I didn’t want to watch it. Then I decided that I wouldn’t be allowed to really have an opinion about it unless I watched it at least once. So I did.
On one hand, the show made me glad. Without meaning to be (just like Juno and Bella), it is very pro-life. One of the people featured on Monday’s episode said, “I want to thank my birth mother for giving me life.” When she finally got to meet her birth mother, those were some of her first words. She knew her birth mother had a choice. She was a teen mother and could have very easily taken the easy way out. But she didn’t.
On the other hand, it made me sad. I’ve read the books–so many of them. I know how hard it is on adopted kids to not know where they came from, to not look like anyone in their families, to not know anything of their genetic or genealogical history. I can understand why adopted kids feel the profound need to search for their birth families. But that’s why it makes me sad–my kids won’t be able to. Of course, I would always be happy to support my child in a search. But short of giving DNA tests to every person in Tanzania, my kids are not going to find their birth families. We know nothing. Not a shred. So it makes me sad to see these adopted people in this show talk about how important it is to them, and know that won’t ever happen for my kids. Only their Heavenly Father will be able to heal that hurt.
The rest of my feelings were just conflicted. Is the show pro-adoption? I can’t really tell. One person featured seemed pretty unhappy in his adoptive family. The other said to her adoptive mom, “You’re the only person I will ever call Mom.” That was cool. But I worry that by only focusing the show on the birth families, prospective adoptive families could get scared off. Why adopt a child if they never really will feel part of your family? Even the name of the show, “Find My Family,” bothers me. Don’t my children already have a family? Are we only second best? That’s not how I view adoption, and that’s hopefully not how my kids will see it.
I also wonder what it’s like for adopted kids to watch this show. I’ve read that most adopted kids fantasize about their birth parents, and usually they believe that their parents never wanted to give them up, are living a happy life somewhere, and desperately hope to find their children someday. Of course, this show only focuses on stories like that that really are true. They are not going to feature the stories where the birth parent is living a screwed-up life, or has no desire to meet his or her child. They’re not going to tell the stories of the multitude of international adoptions where there’s no way to ever find the birth family.
You know what would make a great show? Adoption stories. Where children with no family finally find one. That’s a show I would watch.
Anonymous
great post amy i did see a preview for this show but the channel that shows abc family is not working for me! But i get the siutation your in with grace and josiah i mean ill never know who the heck my birth mother was but my parents i consider my parents. And Because i was a baby its never phased me! Hopefully grace and josiah do know that you and gil are their parents!
Christine
Okay so I watched and left with mixed emotions as well. I do not appreciate the show I have to say because from what I have seen the birth families are so great and the adoptive families get left behind. I did only see two episodes. I do want my boys to find their birth mothers (birth fathers are not an option for them unfortunately) if they want to and I will support them but I know that they have a wonder life, a life full of Christ, that may not have happened if they were left in their birth families. I am also concerned that they have biological sisters (well each has one that is 18 months older) that stayed with their birth moms. How will that make them feel?
Anyway, back to the show, I feel like it just brings up issues I am not ready to deal with yet. I also am concerned about the tone it gives to adoption. People are already leery of it. Well I should say the world is. I know we have come along way, but we still have a long way to go as far as acceptance of adoption in this world. At least I am learning to better deal with the comment, "Oh you have one of each???!!!" It accompanies a puzzled look, like please explain this one. My new response is, "Yes I do!"
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It is always nice to hear what others think and I love that we are bonded by adoption 🙂
Sammye & Tumaini
Amy — I am so glad you posted on this. I purposely avoided the show, as I could tell from the previews that I would have the same reservations as you. It really is hard for me to not be able to share with Tumi anything about her biological family — and I did not want that struggle to be further permeated into my heart. I agree that an excellent show would be adoption stories. I have this dream that your blog will get picked up as a book — and maybe you will have the opportunity to pitch that idea 🙂
jibberish
I've not seen the show, but I agree that its very title and premise promote nothing more than sentimentalism.
That's the truly insidious thing about "reality" television; it encourages us to chase after a premature heaven instead of seeking to infuse a sin-filled world with grace.
Because this is a fallen world, both adoptive families and biological families have tremendous struggles to overcome (not the least of which is our own sinfulness), but modeling biblical commitment and gratitude in our homes is a great place for all of us to start.
Amy Medina
thanks, fellow adoptive moms, for your reassurance that I am not alone in my conflicted thoughts on this!
And Amanda–excellent insight. Gil said much the same thing–that people are always looking for the reason they have a hole in their lives, and adopted people think that it's because they don't know their biological family. Yet truly, that's not really the reason. Knowing their biological family is NOT going to give them the meaning and purpose they seek in life–only Christ can do that.
Great discussion!
Jenn
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Please keep posting. I really enjoy your blog. It's refreshing, encouraging, and interesting.
da halls
"Even the name of the show, 'Find My Family,' bothers me. Don't my children already have a family? Are we only second best? That's not how I view adoption, and that's hopefully not how my kids will see it."
Amen, Sistah! As an adoptee and adoptive mom . . . that makes my stomach sick. I don't think I can watch that show (didn't even know about it until reading your post). I, too, think they would do a better service (but we all know that's not what their aim is) by having a show with children getting families and showing happily attached adoptive families. I don't mind reunions. I think they are cool but don't focus on the people who will never consider their adoptive moms as "mom".
I have so many other thoughts that I just cannot put down right now.
80)
mb
da halls
Ooooops! *Blush* I misread what you wrote about the adoptee who told the adoptive mom, "You're the only one I'll ever call 'Mom'". Oy vey. I thought the person told the birth mother that (and was a disgruntled adoptee). Sigh. Sorry about that, Amy!
Bryan Harrison
My brother in law is now 65 and was a war baby given up for adoption. He tells me that he has never wanted to find his parents as he knew who his "mom and dad" were. Never a desire to seek them out. His daughter, my niece Morgan and her husband Nick, have now adopted a son, Niko to be with their 5 year old daughter Karis.
Having had the privilege of meeting all of your family, and having a brief glimpse of life in Tanzania, I know that Josiah and Grace will grow up and be able to say "the boundrie lines have fallen in pleasant places". God's plan is always perfect. Have a great Christmas.
Jayme Solomon
TLC has a show called "Adoption Stories". I've watched it before and it's really good.